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Celebrity Slam - April 11, 2012

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The Amanda Show

There are a lot of trashballs out there among the celebrity elite. These are people who despite their fame or more often because of it behave like irresponsible degenerate morons. We just shrug it gives us something to fill this space and it's not like we have high expectations of the Snookis and LiLos of the world.

And then there are the surprises. Surprises like Amanda Bynes.

Bynes apparently was clubbing it up in West Hollywood and got behind the wheel when she shouldn't have. According to law enforcement sources, Bynes attempted to pass a police car and sideswiped it, banging into the right real panel. Obviously, she was pulled over; officers determined that she was not fit to drive. She was arrested and carted off to jail.

Hitting a cop car while driving drunk is one thing, but Bynes took it to a whole new level. Apparently, the night after the incident, she returned to the scene of the crime with some friends. That is, she tried to go back to the same hotel bar where she had gotten so wasted the previous night. She was not allowed in; probably a safe bet for management.

Anyone else stunned that this isn't a Lohan story?

First things first driving drunk is one of the stupidest things you can possibly do. However, Ms. Bynes has gone a long way toward showing us how much stupider you can make it. For instance, she hit the right rear panel of the car - how drunk do you have to be to try and pass a cop on the right? And to actually have the stones to go back to that same bar and try to start the whole sad, ridiculous cycle all over again? Any chance that you might have had at a sincere apology is officially out the window. Not sure if you wanted a 'party girl' image, but you've got one.

It's too bad; you actually seemed like you might have a better shot than most child stars. Oh well. Enjoy your TMZ stardom and inevitable appearance on 'Celebrity Rehab.'

No go with Castro

While the majority of our time here is devoted to celebrities of the movie/TV/reality star ilk, we try to be open-minded. Sure, those people are all celebrities, but it would be unfair to leave out all of the stupid, stupid things that are said and done by our professional athletes.

Please join me in welcoming Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen into the Celebrity Slam family.

Guillen has long been known in baseball circles for his proclivity for outrageous, controversial and profanity-laden statements. His time in Chicago was riddled with incidents where Guillen said something he shouldn't. Just last week, he told Marlins beat writers that he often got 'hammered' in the team hotel while he was trying to convey the fact that he was staying in and being safe, he came off as more of a lush.

But Guillen's recent statements to Time Magazine went too far.

Guillen told Time 'I love Fidel Castro.' There's some context, though it doesn't help much; Guillen was speaking more of Castro's determination rather than his actions. 'I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for 60 years, but that (expletive) is still here.' So he wasn't expressing admiration for Castro's actions, per se. Still, Guillen held a press conference apologizing for his poorly chosen words; the Marlins have suspended him for five games.

This is one of the most idiotic moves I have ever seen. It's bad enough that you're going to express admiration for a man with such a sinister history. But to do it in Miami? That city is home to thousands of Cuban refugees and their children, people who risked their lives in creaky makeshift rafts in order to escape the tyranny of Castro. You're going to tell those people how much you dig the guy they gave up everything to escape? Dude, your brand-spanking-new ballpark a publicly-funded ballpark at that is in Little Havana. What kind of moron can't see the danger here? You were hired to be the face of the franchise, yet less than two weeks in, you've managed to find the worst possible thing to say.

Look on the bright side, Ozzie. Things probably can't get any worse.

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