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Celebrity Slam - All the Twitty Horses

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Every once in a while, the stars align and we’re able to address a Celebrity Slam item from personal experience. It doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does, we’re always thrilled to take advantage.

This week, Twitter experienced a bit of an embarrassment when the company verified an account purportedly belonging to reclusive author Cormac McCarthy. It was obvious that the account was fake and when McCarthy’s publisher confirmed the fact, the blue check was removed.

It’s ridiculous, because the fine folks at The Maine Edge could have confirmed its falsity for them with ease.

See, back in 2017, Allen Adams – one of our own – tracked down McCarthy at his secret compound in the American Southwest and conducted a brief interview. As part of that interview, McCarthy made clear his disdain for Twitter. In lieu of going too hard on Twitter’s verification team, we thought we’d share some excerpts from Allen’s interview.

(Note: The interview began with Allen being discovered lurking outside McCarthy’s house. We’ll pick up after that.)

CM – So are you gonna tell me why you were trying to peek in my bedroom windows?

TME – Oh! Oh no! No, I wasn’t … I’m not trying to spy … I was just looking for you and wanted to talk about your work. I don’t want to watch you sleep or anything.

CM – Good thing. I don’t sleep anymore. Mostly spend my nights wandering the shifting sands on a quest for meaning.

TME – That seems … weird. Anyway, since I’ve got you here, mind if I ask you a few questions about your writing?

CM – Sure – if you can give me a reason not to shoot you for trespassing and trying to look at my nude body in repose.

TME – Uh…

CM – Ah, I’m just yankin’ your crank. Sure, we can talk about the writing. You want a beer?

TME – Um … yeah. Sure. Why not?

(Pause for beers)

CM – All right, pal. Ask away.

TME – Right. OK. So – it has been over a decade since your last novel [“The Road”; 2006]. You’ve never had a gap quite this long between books; do you have anything in the works currently?

CM – Well, it’s not like I haven’t been busy. I wrote a screenplay. It was a movie called “The Counselor.” Did you see it?

TME – Um. Yes.

CM – What’d you think?

TME – Honestly? Well … it was actually not that great. Weird, but not in a fun way. In an off-putting way.

(McCarthy laughs)

CM – Oh yeah. Yeah it was. That thing with Cameron Diaz sexing up the car? Jesus – what was that about, you know?

Anyway, your question. Books. Yeah, I’m working on a couple of different things right now. I find that I’ve passed the point in my life where I can devote myself solely to one project. I need to have a few irons in the fire so that when I get bogged down I can jump to something else and stay productive. Different stuff. I reckon I’ll publish something soon.

TME – People are also wondering if you have any interest in engaging with the world via social media?

CM – C’mon man – there’s nothing social about social media. What possible use would I have for that Twitter buffalos—t? Leaving aside the fact that I don’t own a computer, I’ve got zero interest in that kind of faceless interaction. It’ll ruin your brain, make it all smooth and squishy. Besides, what the hell can you say worth saying in that limited space? It’s the death of nuance, mark my words.

(Loud rustling noise from outside)

CM – Oops – gotta go. I’m meeting with the rest of the herd at the water hole and then we’re going grazing.

TME – Oh. OK. Well – thank you for your time.

-

So yeah – Cormac McCarthy isn’t on Twitter. And he never will be. Solved that mystery for you, Jack Dorsey.

(Note: On the off chance that someone can’t tell, this interview was part of one of The Maine Edge’s April Fools’ Day editions and as such is just as made up as that stupid fake Cormac McCarthy Twitter account.)

Last modified on Tuesday, 03 August 2021 07:43

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