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Celebrity Slam - Alias amorousness

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As we ease our way back into the swing of things regarding Celebrity Slam, we find ourselves having to dig just a little bit deeper when it comes to finding items to feature in this space. The reality is that a good deal of our scorn and mockery is directed at famous people doing stupid and/or ridiculous things. But in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, the opportunity for them to do those stupid and/or ridiculous things is lacking.

Another all-time favorite here at CS is the celebrity romance. Specifically, we do so adore the opportunity to generate a portmanteau. We’ve done a number of these over the years, all of which hold a special place in our hearts (although I think we can all agree that “Hiddleswift,” created for the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it pairing of actor Tom Hiddleston and singer Taylor Swift, is our masterpiece).

But again – people are staying in more and sticking close to home, thus proving unable to make the love connections that result in new celebrity pairings.

However, what if the romantic fires flare up between two famous folks who already have a preexisting relationship?

Rumors starting swirling last week when photographers captured Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Garner hanging out (responsibly) on a Malibu beach along with Cooper’s young daughter. The general consensus was that the two were getting a bit flirty and generally behaving as if there was a spark there. Both actors are currently single – Garner’s last relationship ended fairly recently, while Cooper hasn’t been seeing anyone seriously for a while.

Now, it’s worth noting that sources from both camps have indicated that this is all very innocent, with neither actor looking to engage in any sort of romantic activity with the other. And the truth is that Cooper and Garner have been friends for a long time – they met when both were starring on “Alias” back in the early ‘00s – so it totally makes sense that they would just be hanging out as buds, particularly in a time when engaging with friends is such a tricky business.

All that being said, there was certainly chatter back in the day about Cooper and Garner being an item during their “Alias” run. And really, in a world where it seems that nothing is knowable and everything is chaos, might there not be some appeal in the comfort of a love connection with someone you already know and care about?

Long story short, we don’t care what they say – until we have specific confirmation otherwise, we’re choosing to believe that Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Garner are a secret couple. And you know what that means: It’s portmanteau time!

We’ll get the big one out of the way – we’re not going to bother trying to shoehorn “Brennifer” into the conversation. We already had a “Bennifer,” and while it didn’t involve Garner directly, it did involve her ex-husband Ben Affleck when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. We’re not going to put you through that Jen – you deserve better.

So do we flip it and go with “Jadley” or something? Doesn’t sound right, does it? There’s a jarring sound to it that just doesn’t work. This means we’re out on either first/first combo, so we’re going to have to either go last/last or mix it up. We don’t love “Barner” or “Brarner” – those are out.

We get a little closer when we venture into the realm of something like “Coopner” – that one has some fun potential. “Jooper” is kind of interesting as well. But when we really get down to brass tacks, it’s tough to argue against “Gooper.” There’s a fundamental goofiness to it that is a hallmark of the very best celebrity portmanteaux. Plus, it’s a chance for Garner to offer up a shot at another one of Affleck’s exes, Gwyneth Paltrow.

(It should be noted that Jennifer Garner seems legitimately nice and likely wishes no ill will against Affleck or any of his exes. All of this implied vitriol is generated by us on her behalf. She deserves to be happy, damn it.)

So there we have it – another Celebrity Slam portmanteau. Sure, the relationship on which it is based might not be, you know, real or anything, but since when has that stopped us?

Long live Gooper.

Last modified on Thursday, 20 August 2020 14:44


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