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Celebrity Slam - ABG DQ

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The title of this feature is “Celebrity Slam,” right? But here’s the thing: while the majority of the items included in this space involve people who are REALLY famous – movie stars and hip-hop moguls and top-tier athletes and what have you – we also have plenty of time for those celebrities who live their lives a few rungs farther down that particular ladder.

That’s where we find the reality TV grifters and the YouTubers and the faded child stars and the boy band castoffs – people who are definitely celebrities, but whose listing is a bit closer to the end of the alphabet than the beginning. And while you might not always know who these people are, if they make it into this space, you can rest assured that who they are matters a heck of a lot less than what they did.

So now we talk about the Angry Bagel Guy. Not sure who that is? That’s fine – you’re better off.

We’re not going to go into the whole thing about why this guy is famous (well – “famous”), but it basically boils down to the fact that there’s a video going around of him going off on a rant about women and why they won’t date him or whatever because he’s one of those little dudes who overcompensates via the gym (and probably other less savory muscle-building tactics, who can say?). The video went viral and he became the Bagel Boss for a minute before getting a cease and desist by a company that used that name; he apparently settled on Angry Bagel Guy, because that’s what we’re seeing.

Anyway, this pud decided that he wanted to cash in on the virality of his a-holery; he’s taken a handful of ill-advised swings at monetizing his one-note shtick. As part of that, he leaned into his jerkiness and signed up to do a celebrity boxing match (because there will always be people out there willing to pay money to watch Z-listers punch each other in the face).

Initially, ABG was supposed to fight Lenny Dykstra, but then Dykstra pulled out and who should step up but Screech Powers himself, Dustin Diamond!

The stage was set, but instead of getting in the ring, ABG bailed on the fight, going on social media just hours before the September 28 bout was scheduled to begin and saying that he wasn’t going to show up. The promoters scrambled for a replacement, winding up with some random indie filmmaker who got knocked the eff out by Screech.

The promoters were understandably miffed – especially because not only did they lose out on their scheduled event, but they had already made partial payment to ABG. Promoter Damon Feldman is suing ABG for $10,000 in an attempt to recoup some of his losses.

This is the part where we all act shocked that the guy whose whole claim to fame is being a jerk … acts like a jerk.

There’s something particularly hilarious about a dips—t like this who can’t even lean into a heel turn right. If you want to be famous for your stupid antics, that’s fine – but you have to follow through with the antics. Otherwise, you’re just another lame dude. That said, ABG’s particular brand of lameness seems pretty inescapable; some dirt just won’t wash off, you know?

But hey – let’s hear it for Dustin Diamond, who for the first time is appearing in this space for an item where he ISN’T the biggest d-bag. That’s a big win for Screech, you know? Granted, it’s a bleak commentary on both his life and our society that he’s cashing a check for agreeing to fight other noteworthy buttheads, but hey – it’s a living.

All in all, it’s pretty funny that someone who is trying SO HARD to present this image of being a tough guy is kind of a coward. We understand – getting punched in the face is no fun. But maybe arrive at the decision sooner than a couple of hours before the fight that you both agreed to and received partial payment for.

Stay angry, Angry Bagel Guy. You do you. Because the truth is that your 15 minutes are already up; you’re working on borrowed time, friend, so get yours while the getting is good.

Last modified on Tuesday, 08 October 2019 09:52

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