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Celebrity Slam - A Jake Paul double dip

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We’re probably revealing our age here, but we’re going to go ahead and put this on the record: Jake Paul is the worst. At best, he’s the second-worst behind his brother Logan, who is also the worst. Suffice it to say that no brother tandem in the history of anything has been as the worst as the Pauls.

This week, we’re focusing our attention on Jake, because he’s got a couple of things going on that are definitely deserving of our scorn.

We’ll start with the small potatoes. During the Wilder/Fury heavyweight title fight this past weekend, Jake-hole apparently ran into former One Direction singer Zayn Malik. It would seem that Malik didn’t give Jake the reception that he felt he deserved, so he went to Twitter to talk some trash.

(Please note these tweets are presented in all of their original fractured glory.)

“almost had to clap up zane from 1 direction because he is a little guy and has an attitude and basically told me to fuck off for no reason when I was being nice to him.... zane ik you’re reading this... stop being angry cause u came home alone to ur big ass hotel room hahaha.”

He then followed up with, “bro he literally started yelling and freaking the fuck out “you wanna test me mate. lol I feel bad for childhood stars.”

Then Malik’s girlfriend Gigi Hadid yelled at him and that was that.

The big thing – the most Slammable thing – is Jake’s new business venture, one in which he’s trying to talk people into paying him money to teach them how to be influencers.

The new platform is called the “Financial Freedom Movement.” Basically, Jake would like you to pay him 20 bucks a month so that you can watch videos that will teach you “practical skills outside of a typical education” and how to monetize your creative endeavors.

If this sounds vaguely familiar, it’s because he tried to do pretty much the same exact thing a couple of years ago with something called Edfluencer, a series of courses designed to teach you how to be social media famous. It cost $64 and made a lot of promises that it had no intention of keeping.

Look, we can respect the hustle. These yahoos have figured out ways to make the generalized idiocy of social media work for them. But ripping off a bunch of naïve dimwits with vague assertions of turning them into YouTube stars is too much. Sure, this whole thing is a grift designed to separate the impressionable from their money – we get it. But it’s one thing to make ad money through clicks because certain people love watching insufferable a-holes be insufferable a-holes on video. It’s entirely another to start telling people that you can somehow turn them into that same kind of insufferable a-hole.

Jake Paul sucks. His brother sucks. If he has any other siblings, they probably suck as well. We won’t go so far as to condemn his parents without more information, but the truth is that they almost certainly also suck.

Does the world really need another cohort of people who suck? Particularly people who suck in the exact same way as Jake Paul, only they’re even worse. Like, he manages to be the worst while also threatening to create an army of awfulness, a bunch of know-nothing dumbasses swarming YouTube and doing unspeakable things to their already questionable algorithm. His terribleness is staggering.

Think about it. This guy, who is in the news because he picked a Twitter fight with a former boy bander over not being treated with due deference for his YouTube influencer powers, is the one who is going to teach people how to be internet famous. There are already enough entitled asshats in the world – do we really need to figure out a way to help them maximize their platform?

(Not that any of this will actually work – Jake will cash some checks and the service will fall flat and fail and then he’ll wait another couple of years and try it again. It’s an evergreen grift, and while Jake Paul might be insufferable and irritating, he knows how to get paid.)

So yeah – Jake Paul is the worst. A real Jake-off.

Last modified on Wednesday, 26 February 2020 07:38

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