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edge staff writer


Celebrity Slam - A better Bieber?

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It’s that time of year where people will sometimes find themselves reflecting on the good things in their lives. The things for which we are grateful. The things that brighten our days.

Here at Celebrity Slam, Justin Bieber is one of those good things. Well – he used to be, anyway.

There was a time when the Biebs ruled this space, where he could be relied upon to consistently say and do ridiculous things that practically begged for our scorn and mockery. Whether he was peeing in nightclub mop buckets or leaving monkeys in German airports, we could always count on Bieber for some Celebrity Slam gold.

Alas, we’ve seen a different side of JB recently. A more measured and mature person. He’s taking his life and career a little more seriously; he’s even started exploring his faith. Which, you know, that’s fantastic for him on a personal level. Kudos to him for growing and evolving. However, personal growth isn’t exactly something we look for here at Celebrity Slam. Maturation just means you’re going to make fewer idiotic decisions, which subsequently means fewer appearances in this space.

And you haven’t seen much of the Biebs in this space as of late, have you?

Well, he’s back. Though he hasn’t backslid into the lunacy of his earlier years, he has found a way to put himself back on our radar. We ignored it for a while, just because we couldn’t be sure if it was a real thing or a momentary blip, but it’s looking legit.

Justin and Selena are back together.

That’s right – the former “it couple” of the teen set has come full circle. By all accounts, the two are getting serious about one another. It’s to the point where the Biebs is getting asked about possibly popping the question and he’s being all coy and shy about it. The pair are apparently inseparable, both at home in Los Angeles and elsewhere; they’ve been known to just hop on a private jet to head somewhere for date nights.

(Date nights which, by the way, are apparently almost nauseatingly innocent - totally substance-free. It’s like they’re trying to recreate the kid experience that they more or less skipped the first time around.)

But it’s not all smooth sailing. Members of the Gomez family have gone on record in the past as being vehemently anti-Bieber – they think that he screwed her over back in the day and they don’t trust him as far as they could throw him. A lot of them are convinced that it’s all going to end in tears again – or worse.

And then there’s the reason this popped up in the first place. Apparently, Gomez’s mother Mandy Teefy was apparently taken to the hospital because she was so worked up over a conversation she’s had earlier in the day with Selena about the relationship with Bieber.

Think about that. How many of us have been dating someone that upset our mom so much that she wound up checked into a hospital? Like, that’s some next-level stuff. And while we’d never tell anyone how they should or shouldn’t feel about protecting their kids, the truth is that even we don’t think Bieber is that bad (anymore) and we spent literally years making fun of his terrible decisions. Besides, Selena is an adult who can make her own choices, like it or not.

But as you might expect, our primary concern is this: what kind of portmanteau can we come up with for their celebrity couple name?

It’s a tough one, due to the odd combinations. The first name combos are likely out – no one feels good about “Jelena” and “Selustin” isn’t much better. “J-Go” might work, although it feels a little derivative. “S-Biebs” doesn’t really roll off the tongue. As for the last names, we enjoy “Gomer,” although the odds of making that one work seem to be awfully slim. Still, calling them “Gomer” would be delightful. However, the best fit as far as we’re concerned is “Biebez.” We almost went with “Biemez” instead, but there’s something just-right about getting that second “b” in there.

So there you have it. Welcome back Justin and Selena. Here’s hoping you crazy kids can make it work out this time around. Long live Biebez.


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