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Celebrity Slam - (01-20-2016)

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Backstreet brawler

We have a lot of fun with famous folks in this space, but we're always going to hold a special place in our hearts for the has-beens. These are the people who are willing to do whatever is necessary to retain some semblance of fame, whether it's continuing to release albums that no wants to buy or participating in the increasingly inaccurately-titled 'Dancing with the Stars.'

While it is certainly fun to take the biggest of big names to task, there's something magical about those who, despite having largely receded into the shadows, still get up to the dizzying heights of superstar idiocy.

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, for example, is just such an idiot.

Carter got himself into some real trouble last week. He and a buddy were in Key West and decided to pay a visit to the Hog's Breath Saloon. However, both men were already well in their cups when they showed up this despite the fact that it wasn't even 7 PM yet. Bar workers tried to do the responsible thing by not serving the two obviously-inebriated gentlemen, but as you might imagine, said gentlemen weren't having any of it. Carter and his pal got angry and were asked to leave.

That's when it got real.

One of them threw a sucker punch at one of the employees, though it's unclear which one. What is clear is that Carter's friend a guy named Michael Papayans head-butted the bar manager; Carter himself apparently grabbed a bouncer by the throat. However, despite their taking the initiative, this was not a fight that Carter and Papayans were destined to win.

When police showed up a little after 8 PM, both men were already fully restrained by bar staffers. Eventually, the two of them were arrested for battery.

This is where the true democratic nature of Celebrity Slam kicks in. Sure, Nick Carter isn't all that famous anymore all reality ballroom dancing competitions aside, his heyday is pretty far in the rearview at this point. However, there's no disputing that he really stepped up his entitled asshat game with this one.

All the pieces are there. He and his moron friend are wasted by early evening. They try to get more wasted, but Nick's star has faded enough that his celebrity isn't enough to get the bartender to look the other way. The blow to his ego must have been significant. To the entitled idiot, the obvious reaction is to start a fight; one wonders how much of the delusion that fueled that decision came from alcohol and how much came from overinflated self-worth I figure it's about 50/50.

(It should be noted that when the cops came, Papayans tried to drop Nick's nameand they had no idea who that was. A well-placed, albeit unintentional kick of a man when he's down. It's the perfect button; the maraschino cherry on the sad, crappy sundae that was Nick Carter's Wednesday night.)

A world where Nick Carter is drunkenly fighting with people who don't really remember who he is? I can only speak for myself, but honestly, I want it that way.

Not saved by the bail

Ah yes time to check in with the stabbiest of all 'Saved by the Bell' alumni.

Everybody's favorite unstable former child star Dustin Diamond has reported to jail in Wisconsin. He'll be doing four months in the clink for stabbing a guy with a pocketknife in a bar on Christmas Day 2014.

We've already explored the story in some detail in this space; however, there was no way that we could in good conscience let Screech's trip to the slammer go unmentioned. It is easily one of the all-time greatest items in Celebrity Slam history. You might have forgotten all about itbut we didn't.

So let us raise a glass to Samuel 'Screech' Powers, the most entertainingly damaged graduate of Bayside High. All we can do is hope that after he does his time, he gets right back to the pattern of terrible stand-up and simmering resentful bitterness that we all adore. Maybe he'll talk more smack about his former castmates or do another creepy poop-related porn video. Fingers crossed.

Just remember, Screech the first cut is the deepest.

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