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A Spears cat-astrophe

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Working as we do on this feature every week, we’ve seen more than our share of weird celebrity stories. Sure, the majority of them are pretty basic – saying inappropriate things on social media, breaking up in embarrassingly public ways, getting wasted and pulling the “Do you know who I am?” card – that sort of stuff.

But every once in a while, we come across an item that is just plain weird. Sometimes, the weird is off-putting and gross (see last week’s take on the Armie Hammer situation – a situation that, we might add, is still ongoing). Other times, it’s just something that you simply never would have expected to see written out.

This week’s item is the latter.

It’s been a while since the Spears family has popped up on the Celebrity Slam radar. Britney was a mainstay of this space during the early days, but as her behavior spiraled, her actions became less mockable and more pitiable. Her sister Jamie Lynn would pop up from time to time, but never for anything really good.

But then Jamie Lynn gave us something far better than her sister ever brought to the table.

In a now-deleted Instagram post from last week, Spears took to the internet to tell the world that Elon Musk killed her cats.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” you’re probably saying right now. “I knew Musk was a rich weirdo, but I figured he was just a regular rich weirdo. You mean to tell me he’s killing the cats of minor Nickeloeon stars/pop star little sisters?”

You’re forgiven for being confused, but no – what Spears is claiming is that her Tesla is actually at fault for the fact that she has apparently been running over her cats.

Basically, she posted an Instagram video in which she said:

“The Tesla is a secret cat-killer, and it’s a problem that we really gotta fix. We have now lost, I don’t even want to tell you how many cats, because they don’t hear the Tesla crank and unfortunate things happen and it’s really devastating and tragic for everyone involved.”

She closed the video by saying “Elon Musk, let’s figure this out. You owe me a couple of cats.”

She was, of course, roasted by the internet for this. In her next video, she conceded that she was “fully aware there’s some user error involved in this” but was still interested in exploring ways to “save some cats’ lives.” After that failed to stop the deluge of mockery, she posted the following in an Instagram story:

“1.) I did not run over any cats. 2.) TESLA is not to be blamed, and was never intended to be 3.) user error is admittedly involved. 4.) we always check for animals before moving a vehicle. 5.) I was only making a suggestion about something I think would be extremely helpful, and the geniuses at @teslamotors are the best to go.”

Folks, we can go back and forth about the minutiae here, but there’s one thing on which we can all agree: Jamie Lynn Spears is a serial cat murderer and will almost certainly strike again.

Look, the reality is that this could well be a simple case of parental fibbing that spiraled out of control. Mommy rolls up the driveway, not paying attention, accidentally runs over Mittens. The kids are devastated by the loss and furious at Mom, so maybe Mom comes up with a story about how it’s actually the car’s fault, that it was so quiet that Mittens couldn’t hear it. A kid’ll buy that. But when the second cat gets rolled, well … now you’ve got to double down on the lie. To the internet!

Running over one cat is an accident. Running over another one is a trend. In truth, that’s the most troubling part of the whole thing – the fact that we’re talking cats, plural. How many cats do you need to run over before you figure out that maybe, just maybe, the problem isn’t the car?

If his online persona is any indication, Musk is probably high AF right now and laughing hysterically at the notion that Zoey 101 is blaming him for the fact that she can’t stop running over her cats. As should we all be, because this is ridiculous.

As for the kitties, rest in peace. Enjoy the Heaviside Layer.

Last modified on Tuesday, 19 January 2021 11:06

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