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Celebrity Slam - Implausible beef

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We love beef here at Celebrity Slam. That’s no secret – we talk about it all the time. We absolutely love it when famous people get themselves embroiled in interpersonal conflict; we particularly dig it when those conflicts play out via social media so we all get to enjoy it in real time.

Now, there are various types of beef. There’s the famous vs. not famous beef; those are usually the least entertaining, with the celebrity taking advantage of their position and punching down (though as a corollary, every once in a while you’ll get an absolutely spectacular own courtesy of a famous person lacking in self-awareness and a muggle with a quick wit). There’s the ultrafamous vs. regular famous beef, which nine times out of 10 is just a thirsty lesser celeb on the hunt for clout. There’s hip-hop beef and athlete beef, both of which are very distinct types, though there’s wide variety within each subgenre.

But this week, we’re going to discuss a relatively rare but almost always entertaining style of beef – the utterly made-up beef.

Our beefers this week – comedian Patton Oswalt and Max Collins, lead singer of Eve6.

Right off the bat, you can tell that this is a solid made-up beef because of the seeming incongruity of the players. Oswalt is a pretty famous comic, but he’s not some megastar. And while the heyday of Eve6 might have been a couple of decades ago, Collins has become something of a favorite follow on Twitter. They aren’t equals in terms of fame, but they aren’t far enough apart for it to cause any weird power dynamics to come into play.

So where’s the beef? Glad you asked!

It all started with a tweet from Collins:

“my only interaction with patton oswalt before today was walking past him once while boarding a plane he was sitting in first class i think he realized i rockognized him and offered a generous smile and i reciprocated in kind and headed back to seat 33d or whatever”

Fairly typical of Collins on Twitter – it’s either self-deprecating stuff like this or tossed-off left-leaning commentary (both of which are engaging and charming; seriously – follow Eve6 on Twitter if you don’t already). Made a joke, moved on.

But then up pops Patton Oswalt, who is his own brand of chaos agent on the internet. He responded with a simple “You were right not to speak.”

And then, folks, we were off to the races.

Let’s be real – social media can be a real bummer. Twitter in particular seems to invite a vast amount of uninformed vitriol directed at, well … whoever, really. For whatever reason, people see that little bird logo and feel empowered to be the absolute worse versions of themselves. So it’s a lovely little surprise to see two people who generally wield the platform for good – or at least, don’t actively seek to do harm – engaging with one another, amusing each other (and us) with a bit that has clearly developed organically.

Again – we celebrate celebrity beef precisely because it so ridiculous. Famous people sniping at one another over idiotic slights, real or perceived, is precisely what we look for when the time comes to poke fun at them. But there’s something genuinely charming about watching these two dudes – who almost certainly have never interacted before in any way – really leaning into an absurd bit that just happens to address this wider absurdity.

Obviously, we’ll get back to the celebrities being jerks soon enough. There’s plenty of time for that; celebrities are ALWAYS going to be jerks, after all. You can’t scroll the first page of TMZ without finding famous people saying and/or doing mean and/or stupid things. We’ll always be able to find some C-lister taking a leak on an airport ticket desk or whatever.

This, though? This is something special.

Full disclosure: Collins did make a joke about how this non-feud would wind up as a low-impact Buzzfeed article, but we swear that we had already had the idea for this week’s Celebrity Slam before that.

It’s nice to be reminded that sometimes, even celebrities just want to get weird online and have some laughs. It’s no surprise that both of these guys are the type.

A hundred bucks says Patton Oswalt likes the heart in a blender song.

Last modified on Wednesday, 27 October 2021 07:46


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