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Celebrity Slam (395)

Tuesday, 03 December 2019 13:26

Celebrity Slam - Sunshine on my … somewhere

Written by Allen Adams

Composing a weekly feature like Celebrity Slam isn’t always easy. Sometimes, we have to dig deep into the realm of celebrity gossip, looking for anyone, however minor, who might have said or done something worthy of our scorn. We have to accept that occasionally, the “celebrity” that we find will absolutely warrant those scare-quotes we put up around the term.

And sometimes, Josh Brolin gets a sunburn on his butthole and we remember why we love this job.

Wednesday, 27 November 2019 10:55

Celebrity Slam - LeBron lets one rip

Written by Allen Adams

As anyone who reads this space with regularity undoubtedly knows by now, we here at Celebrity Slam aren’t always the most sophisticated bunch. Yes, we like to tackle our scorn and mockery with at least a touch of intellectual elevation, but the truth is that we’re very much in touch with the … let’s just call them less mature aspects of our collective sense of humor.

That immaturity isn’t always fully present in Celebrity Slam week to week. Basically, it just depends on what sorts of items we’re exploring at a given time. Sometimes, the news of the week doesn’t really warrant us unleashing the full gleeful force of our childish potty humor.

And then sometimes we get a celebrity fart story.

Guess what we’re looking at this week!

Tuesday, 19 November 2019 11:35

Celebrity Slam - Much ado about nothing

Written by Allen Adams

If you’re a regular reader of this space, you know that there are certain areas in which we particularly excel. We’re awesome at creating clever and memorable portmanteaux for celebrity couples. We’re awesome at coming up with snarky and derisive commentary about the missteps of famous people. And we’re awesome at exploring the specifics of celebrity beefs.

However, the world of celebrity beef is a surprisingly complex one. It’s all very delicate – an elaborate web of shade being thrown and offense being taken. The rules of discourse have always been complicated, but the introduction of social media has rendered it even more so.

That’s what makes stories like this week’s item so interesting. See, it’s a beef, only it isn’t a beef, because while it started as a beef, it wound up not being a beef at all. Unless it is a beef. But for right now, it does not appear to be a beef, though it’s subsequent beefiness may prove to be beefier than previously beefed.

Get all that? Because we’re not sure that we did.

Tuesday, 12 November 2019 12:12

Celebrity Slam - Celebrity Fight Club

Written by Allen Adams

Here at Celebrity Slam, we relish the opportunity to take shots at people who are far richer and more famous than we will ever be. Feel free to call us haters if you like, because that is absolutely what we are. And, as the story goes, haters gonna hate.

This week’s hating involves two people who are undeniably famous, yet we here at CS have only the vaguest idea of who they are. Feel free to “OK boomer” us up one side and down the other, because for real – we barely have a clue.

Apparently, one of the biggest sporting events of the weekend took place in Las Vegas – a celebrity boxing match between YouTube stars Logan Paul (we kind of know who he is) and KSI (nope – we got nothing).

Of course, just because we don’t know what the deal is doesn’t mean that the world is as ignorant as we are. And make no mistake – these dudes are capital-F Famous. Both men made their names creating videos for YouTube; each has millions of subscribers and billions of followers.

And on Saturday, they fought each other.

Tuesday, 05 November 2019 11:53

Celebrity Slam - Car trouble

Written by Allen Adams

It may seem like there’s no real rhyme or reason to the way we put things together here at Celebrity Slam, but rest assured – we have a plan. It might not be a thoughtful plan or even a particularly good plan, but it is a plan.

It’s a fairly simple formula, honestly – the severity of the offense is inversely proportional to the fame of the offender. Basically, it means that the more famous a person is, the less outlandish what they said/did needs to be to warrant our notice. However, this means that the reverse is also true – for a person of relatively little fame to capture our attention, their offense has to be really big and/or weird.

If you see someone who isn’t a household name in this space, you better believe that something REALLY strange has gone down.

Guess what you’re getting this week?

Tuesday, 29 October 2019 10:17

Celebrity Slam - Wasted Winchester

Written by Allen Adams

Few things make us happier here at Celebrity Slam than a famous person really going for the full big-time experience. They don’t HAVE to say the exact words “Don’t you know who I am?” for us to love it … but it doesn’t hurt.

Our latest entry in this long (LONG) history of celebrity jackholes is Jared Padelecki, one of the stars of the inexplicably long-running CW show “Supernatural” – seriously, this show is so old that it debuted on the WB. But we’re not here to argue the relative merits of Padalecki playing demon-hunting heartthrob Sam Winchester for 14 seasons.

No, we’re here to talk about him getting wasted and fighting folks and, yes, getting up to a little big-timing.

Tuesday, 22 October 2019 13:06

Celebrity Slam - J-Lawfully wedded wife

Written by Allen Adams

Obviously, our mission here at Celebrity Slam is to hold forth about our favorite famous folks, hitting them with all the derision and mockery that we can come up with. It’s why this feature exists, and it’s a job we take very seriously.

However, regular readers of this space know that we aren’t ALWAYS making fun of famous people. Sometimes, we go out of our way to celebrate their love – y’all know we love us some celebrity couple portmanteaux.

And sometimes, well … sometimes we get the rare privilege of doing both.

Tuesday, 15 October 2019 20:16

Celebrity Slam - T-Swift's banned banner

Written by Allen Adams

We’ve had a whole lot of fun at Taylor Swift’s expense in this space over the years. It comes with the territory when you’re as ultra-famous as she is – people are going to take swings. For the most part, our jabs at T-Swift have been gentle one; mostly, we just like to tease her about her choices of boyfriend. Anyone remember Hiddleswift? Because that was a thing for five minutes a few years back.

Yeah – you forgot. But it happened.

This week, we’ll be gently teasing Taylor once again. But it has nothing to do with her relationships. This time, it’s all about … hockey?

*checks notes*

Yep. Hockey.

Tuesday, 08 October 2019 13:51

Celebrity Slam - ABG DQ

Written by Allen Adams

The title of this feature is “Celebrity Slam,” right? But here’s the thing: while the majority of the items included in this space involve people who are REALLY famous – movie stars and hip-hop moguls and top-tier athletes and what have you – we also have plenty of time for those celebrities who live their lives a few rungs farther down that particular ladder.

That’s where we find the reality TV grifters and the YouTubers and the faded child stars and the boy band castoffs – people who are definitely celebrities, but whose listing is a bit closer to the end of the alphabet than the beginning. And while you might not always know who these people are, if they make it into this space, you can rest assured that who they are matters a heck of a lot less than what they did.

So now we talk about the Angry Bagel Guy. Not sure who that is? That’s fine – you’re better off.

Tuesday, 01 October 2019 15:39

Celebrity Slam - 6ix9nine snitches

Written by Allen Adams

It’s no secret that we get a lot of mileage out of beefs here at Celebrity Slam. These sorts of celebrity feuds are great fun for us to explore, scorning and mocking the nonsense spouted from famous people of all stripes.

But sometimes, we get something that allows us to dig a little deeper. We get someone who is fully committed to being as big a jerk as possible. Whatever the reasons behind their behavior, there’s a lot of joy to be derived from them.

And every once in a while, we get a REALLY good one.

For those who are unaware, hip-hop artist Tekashi 6ix9ine (yes, that’s how he spells his name) has been dealing with the repercussions of his purported gang affiliations. His method of dealing with that has been essentially to name names, outing a number of fellow artists – including notables like Cardi B and Jim Jones – and spelling out their specific affiliations.

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