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Celebrity Slam (498)

Wednesday, 22 June 2022 11:09

Celebrity Slam - OnlySheens?

Written by Allen Adams

In the years that Celebrity Slam has been gracing these pages, we’ve spent a lot of time taking shots at a LOT of celebrities. Hundreds of famous people have been on the receiving end of our own brand of snark and nonsense … and we’ve had a heck of a time.

However, there are a handful of celebrities who have been vital parts of this space. These are the celebs whose words and deeds have been so utterly and consistently Slammable that they have appeared multiple times. We’ve got love in our hearts for this handful, to be sure.

And then, in the tier above, we have the pantheon, the Mount Rushmore of Celebrity Slam. These are the celebrities who had iconic runs in this feature. Famous folks who spent weeks on end regularly doing and saying the sorts of crazy things that landed them here. Even when taking into account the escalation necessary to go on a big run, these are the people who power through it, offering up Slam-worthy content extensive in both quantity and quality.

Charlie Sheen was one such celebrity.

However, while his Celebrity Slam star burned white-hot for a goodly stretch, it burned out. He receded into the background – in our eyes, yes, but also in the eyes of the public.

So we were delighted to see his name pop up again for a potential item this week – particularly because it’s a story where he (eventually) comes out looking OK.

Wednesday, 08 June 2022 08:12

Celebrity Slam - A tale of two copyright lawsuits

Written by Tim Bissell

Every once in a while, there’s a week where Celebrity Slam pickings are pretty slim.

It’s not that famous people aren’t getting up to stuff – they totally are – so much as it is that the stuff they’re getting up to isn’t all that funny. It’s like, sure, we know that many of these celebrities are sh—y people – but when the events in question are bleak and sad, well … our hearts just aren’t in it.

We thought we might have something when we saw a story about how a movie chimp that died a while back actually didn’t die and it turned out that its handler had faked its death, but then Alan Cumming (who had worked with the chimp) and PETA both got involved and then the story stopped being funny and started being sad and … well, you get it.

So when we have weeks like this, we sometimes find that we need to put a couple of less-vital items together and call it a day.

Hence, we are poking fun at a pair of years-late efforts by non-famous people to sue famous people in an effort to get paid. These suits are both rather dumb, though one is far dumber than the other (we’ll let you decide which is the dumber of the two).

Wednesday, 01 June 2022 09:55

Celebrity Slam - Can't take a Joc?

Written by Allen Adams

There are many different types of celebrity. You’ve got your movie stars, your pop stars, your reality stars – it’s a real famous person buffet. But sometimes, we forget to include sports stars in that equation. For whatever reason, when we think “celebrity,” we neglect athletes, even though a pro player is just as much an entertainer and performer as anyone else who we see on our screens.

Still, every once in a while, we get a sports-related story that is outlandish enough to merit inclusion in this space. The dudes involved are baseball players – good ones, but not superstars – so you know that if we’re talking about them, things got weird.

And reader – weird is what we got.

The incident we’re discussing happened last week before a game between the San Francisco Giants and the Cincinnati Reds. As the Giants players were in the outfield warming up, Reds outfielder Tommy Pham went up to Giants outfielder Joc Pederson and slapped him. Just straight-up smacked him across the face. Strange, right?

Not as strange as the reason behind it.

Wednesday, 18 May 2022 12:00

Celebrity Slam - The eye of the beef-holder

Written by Allen Adams

It’s no secret that hip-hop beefs are among our favorite things to cover here at Celebrity Slam. One, there’s always plenty of info out there – these guys love putting each other on blast via social media and diss tracks and what have you. Two, they’re almost always relatively low stakes – with a few exceptions, these conflicts tend to be mostly or entirely all talk. Three, these folks are REALLY good at it.

And so when we get to spend a little time on a beef, whether it is newly cut or long-simmering, we tend to enjoy ourselves.

The latest involves Gillie The Kid, Mack Maine and Lil Wayne. This is a long-term conflict that has recently been revived in the public eye. Buckle up, because it gets a little complicated.

Wednesday, 11 May 2022 11:00

Celebrity Slam - Life imitates art?

Written by Allen Adams

We here at Celebrity Slam are here for the drama. Of course we are – drama is what gives us the sorts of items that allow us to do what we do. We love it when famous people get up to their usual shenanigans so we can have a little fun at their expense.

But sometimes, we get something that feels almost TOO perfect. The sort of item that is seemingly tailor-made for what we do here. And so it is this week.

Before we get into the details, we should do a refresher on the Celebrity Slam Theorem. For those unfamiliar with the rough math of CS, here’s a quick refresher. The more famous a person is, the less outlandish their actions need to be to warrant inclusion here. Also, the inverse is true. This is important information due to the fact that we’re going to be talking about a soap opera star whose name you probably don’t know, so, y’know … it’s gonna get weird.

Wednesday, 04 May 2022 11:08

Celebrity Slam - A couple of Kardashian items

Written by Allen Adams

Things have been a little off-kilter in this space over the past few weeks. For whatever reason, the world of Celebrity Slam has been wonky, with stories that are either really wild or really dark or really … something. And that’s been OK – there was a long stretch where we were visiting with the same handful of famous folks over and over again. That stretch appears to be over. We’ve been doing our best to steer clear, but it seems that we’ve reached an impasse:

So - let’s talk Kardashians.

We’ve actually got a couple of different Kardashian stories to discuss this week. We’ll start with the one that has more real-world implications.

Wednesday, 27 April 2022 09:24

Celebrity Slam - Fight the unfriendly skies

Written by Allen Adams

We do not condone violence here at Celebrity Slam. We are big fans of wounding with words, not with fists, and the reality is that there are vanishingly few situations in which resorting to physical confrontation is the right thing to do.

However, we are also charged with addressing the weird and wild things that celebrities get up to. Sometimes – not often, but occasionally – those things veer into the realm of the physical, leaving us little choice but to discuss them in this space.

So yes, we are in fact going to talk about Mike Tyson punching that guy.

Wednesday, 20 April 2022 10:48

Celebrity Slam - No turn unstoned

Written by Allen Adams

We’re aware that things have gotten heavy a bit more often than usual in this space in recent months. The truth is that we go where the celebrities take us, and for whatever reason, we’ve been forced to be just a bit realer than we might otherwise want to get.

While we’re not promising that we won’t venture back into deeper waters in the future, you’ll be happy to know that we’ve found just the right lighthearted idiocy for this April 20 edition of Celebrity Slam.

Seth Rogen is in a fight with Jack in the Box. You’re welcome.

Wednesday, 13 April 2022 10:42

Celebrity Slam - Blast from the past!

Written by Allen Adams

It’s unhealthy to spend all of our time living in the past. While it can be nice to revisit some fond memories, the truth is that too much focus on what went before can cause real problems. There’s a reason noted internet judge John Hodgman calls nostalgia a “toxic impulse” – more time in the past means less time in the present.

But sometimes … sometimes the past and present collide. Such a collision has recently taken place and dear reader, we are HERE FOR IT.

In case you’ve been stranded in the wilderness with no bars for the past few days, it is our pleasure to inform you that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are engaged. Again!

Wednesday, 06 April 2022 12:35

Celebrity Slam - Club funeral

Written by Allen Adams

Here at Celebrity Slam, we’re all about making light of the faults and foibles of the rich and famous. It’s something that we enjoy doing and that – we think – we’ve gotten pretty good at over the years.

But every once in a while, an item crosses our desk that is outside our usual ken. These are stories that don’t necessarily warrant our usual brand of snarky scorn, but that are still so staggeringly, puzzlingly weird that we feel obligated to address them.

As per usual, the First Axiom of Celebrity Slam applies: the more famous the person, the less outlandish the comment/behavior/what have you needs to be, and vice versa. Basically, the less well known you are, the stranger the story has to be to get you into this space.

And we had literally never heard of this person before.

It’s important to us that we make something clear here – we are not making light of the incident that we are about to describe. There is nothing funny about a person’s passing and we don’t want to indicate that we think there is. However, we saw this story and we absolutely HAD to talk about it with someone. And since no one else was around, well … you’re getting it.

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