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Celebrity Slam (457)

Wednesday, 28 July 2021 11:59

Celebrity Slam - Beyond beef

Written by Allen Adams

The pleasure we take in digging into some nice juicy beef is well-documented in this space. There’s a lot of fun to be had in deconstructing the various petty conflicts that spring up between famous people. Some of them are fleeting, shooting stars that flash across our sightline to disappear into memory. Others linger on, feeding upon themselves in a self-involved ourobouros of ego and entitlement. Both have their merits, as far as Celebrity Slam is concerned.

However, there is one aspect of celebrity beef that we rarely address. In fact, it’s very possible that we have NEVER addressed it. What if the two parties make up?

It’s possible that we’ve dealt with squashed beef in the past, but nothing immediately springs to mind. The joy is in the conflict, to scorn and mock the oft-idiotic reasons that famous people decide to bitch at one another, whether it be face-to-face or via social media. How does one make fun of reconciliation? It’s tough to talk trash about people who have done the mature thing and come to an understanding like adults.

However, we should probably talk about this one. It seems that the long-lingering feud between Jay-Z and Kanye West has come to its end. Now, it was clear that the issues between them were fading, but the fact that Jay-Z offers up a guest verse on Kanye’s new album certainly would seem to indicate that most if not all bad feeling has been set aside.

Tuesday, 20 July 2021 11:18

Celebrity Slam - Pam & Joey a no-go … ey?

Written by Allen Adams

While we will always appreciate the opportunities that this space affords us to make light of the misdeeds and misadventures of the many famous folks out there, we also appreciate the occasional chance to address something a little bit different. It’s not that we get tired of scorning and mocking them – that will NEVER happen – but every once in a while, it’s nice to stretch those muscles in an unusual way.

To that end, this week’s feature is going to involve us taking a look at a different kind of dumbassery – the kind committed by the largely faceless entities who ultimately decide just which of our favorite celebrities we get to see, as well as how we get to see them.

For nearly two years, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey have been co-hosting the “Office Ladies Podcast,” wherein the two former co-stars (on “The Office,” natch) and current best friends take to the podwaves once a week and break down an episode of their past fictional workplace adventures. It’s a generally delightful listen for anyone who is a fan of the show (which, judging by the streaming numbers that thing is still doing, some of you reading this almost certainly are).

However, it was a comment about an altogether different sitcom that we’re going to discuss here.

See, in the course of the conversation, Fischer, who played Pam Beesley on “The Office,” told a story about how she lost a job opposite Matt LeBlanc – best known as Joey Tribbiani on the classic “Friends” – on the CBS show “Man With a Plan,” which aired for four seasons before its recent cancellation.

Apparently, it boiled down to this: Pam would NEVER marry Joey.

Wednesday, 14 July 2021 11:38

Celebrity Slam - One toad over the line

Written by Allen Adams

Anyone who has read this space with regularity is aware of the basic equation for determining which items get included. Now, these rules are tweaked for assorted subgenres – your Twitter beefs, your celebrity romances – but what we’re talking about today is your basic scorn and mockery.

Essentially, it boils down to this: the outlandishness of the action is inversely proportional to the fame of the one who performs said action. So if we’re talking about someone very famous – an A-list actor, chart-topping musician, All-Star athlete – then the action needn’t be all that outlandish for it to make this space. On the flip side, if someone is niche famous – a reality star or a third-tier country singer – then the action better be good and bizarre for it to make that week’s Slam.

“So how outlandish is this week’s action?” Glad you asked, and I’ll answer it thusly – the person we’re talking about stars in one of those home renovation shows on HGTV.

Yeah – we’re gonna get WEIRD.

Tuesday, 06 July 2021 21:54

Celebrity Slam - An MCU match made in heaven

Written by Allen Adams

We’re on record here at Celebrity Slam with our love of love. We’re huge fans of famous folks getting together, both for the fun we can have in constructing their couple names – we do so love a good portmanteau – and for the joy we can take when, like 90% of these pairings, they inevitably crumble in a manner that indicates that maybe the relationship was more about good press than good feelings.

That being said, occasionally there’s a hookup that manages to break through our cynical façade to the gooey romantic center. These are the matches that we desperately hope are not only real in the moment, but real for the long haul. These are the pairings that we hope wind up lasting years. Decades, even. We don’t see them often, but man, when they come along, all we want is for them to last forever. Which brings us to this:

PETER PARKER AND MARY JANE WATSON ARE A THING IN REAL LIFE!!!

Tuesday, 29 June 2021 12:13

Celebrity Slam - No Love lost

Written by Allen Adams

It’s no secret that celebrity beef is one of the primary sources of joy for us here at Celebrity Slam. Sure, we love our famous romances and don’t you know who I ams, but there’s something special about beef.

Happily, we’ve been seeing some wonderfully weird beefs popping up in recent weeks, which has allowed us to really dig into the strange thought processes of celebrities – specifically, the ridiculous things that they choose to be mad about, as well as the random and misguided ways in which they choose to get mad.

Wouldn’t you know it, we’ve got another live one this week!

Now, if you’d asked us about which two famous female musicians would get into an odd and pointless conflict over some nonsense, odds are that we would have made A LOT of guesses before we arrived at the subject of this week’s Slam.

That’s right, folks – Courtney Love is mad at Olivia Rodrigo!

Wednesday, 23 June 2021 09:39

Celebrity Slam - NFT Beef

Written by Allen Adams

Celebrity feuds are a major component of our work here at Celebrity Slam. When famous folks start taking shots at one another, you never really know where it’s going to go – and sometimes, that unpredictability can result in items that are just perfect for this space.

Where’s the beef? Here at Celebrity Slam, if we’re lucky.

But here’s the thing about beef – it comes in many forms. You can get everything from ground beef to Wagyu steak and everything in-between. Even when you get past the quality of the beef, you still have to take into account the preparation of it all. Sizzle and steak come together an give us the precise flavor of beef we’re talking about.

We’re on record as noting that hip-hop beef is our favorite kind – when rappers start sniping away, whether it’s in person or over social media, it almost always turns up something tasty. And yet, even after years of celebrating these beefs, we can still be confronted with something that’s brand new.

Specifically, we’re going to talk about the current conflict between Jay-Z and Damon Dash.

Tuesday, 15 June 2021 22:18

Celebrity Slam - S—t ‘N Slide

Written by Allen Adams

If there’s one thing that we’ve learned in the years we’ve been writing this feature, it’s that the world of entertainment will always find a way to surprise us.

Our primary focus here has always been the trials and tribulations of the rich and famous. We’ve had a lot of fun at their collective expense over the years, calling them out for their idiocy and generally laughing at their failings and misdeeds. We’ve covered Twitter feuds and rap beefs and various flavors of “Don’t you know who I am?” We’ve embraced our calling as creators of celebratory celebrity portmanteaux when these wealthy and beautiful people find each other. We’ve even allowed ourselves to get sentimental every once in a while.

Here’s the thing though – even with the wide disparity among the subjects of our rancor, one truth has remained more or less constant. These items are always aimed at people, whether on an individual level, in pairs or in small groups. It’s usually one of the first two, but we’ve had our share of the third as well.

But this week, we’re doing something a little different. We’re not slamming a person or even a group of people. We’re going after an actual television program – one that has yet to air, no less.

In short, we need to talk about the upcoming reality competition show “Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide” and how it somehow managed to give something like 40 people – and we quote – “explosive diarrhea.”

Tuesday, 08 June 2021 18:11

Celebrity Slam - Hit in the can

Written by Allen Adams

As we’ve learned over the course of our lengthy tenure operating in this space, there are a lot of reasons that we scorn and mock the rich and famous. And the truth is that while we do this for a living, there are plenty of folks out there willing to take their swings … verbally or otherwise.

Actor Miles Teller found himself on the business end of one such “otherwise” recently. And while he initially claimed to have no connection to the people involved, it turned out that there was more to the story.

Tuesday, 01 June 2021 10:23

Celebrity Slam - Matt LeBlanc = Matieu McBan

Written by Allen Adams

This space is generally pretty consistent. Sure, we wander a little here and there, but for the most part, the stories that we address here stay within a fairly narrow range. You know the deal – some celebrity relationships here, some Twitter beefs there, but with the exception of a few memorial-type entries, we generally stick to the idiocy of the rich and famous.

Generally.

However, every once in a great while, an item comes along that doesn’t fit our usual modus operandi, yet we find ourselves compelled to include it. There’s nothing remotely Slammable about what follows, but in our quest to determine this week’s column, we found ourselves repeatedly returning to it, fascinated by its very existence even though – and this can’t be stressed enough – no one is really being any kind of jerkbag or douchenozzle. If anything, it might be one of the most wholesome things we’ve addressed in this space.

We’re going to talk about how Irish Twitter fell in love with Joey Tribbiani.

Wednesday, 26 May 2021 10:07

Celebrity Slam - Everything old is new again

Written by Allen Adams

Look, we tried to let it pass by. We did our best to just let things slide. “Maybe it isn’t what it looks like,” we mused. “Maybe we’re just seeing some old friends reconnecting in a mutual time of need and there’s nothing more to it than that.”

Nope. Unless everything we’re seeing and hearing is somehow totally inaccurate, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are a thing again.

We’re as shocked as you are, although the truth is we could all perhaps benefit from a trip back in time to the halcyon days of the early-00s, when boy bands still roamed the Earth, Amazon only sold books and social media wasn’t really a thing yet.

(Of course, it also means that this gig – our gig – wouldn’t really exist yet, but we’re willing to make that sacrifice for the greater good. As our main man Spock once said, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. We’ll take that hit.)

Our adoration for celebrity romance knows no bounds, but we were VERY cautious about this one. You don’t want to scare them off, you know? But with Ben visiting J-Lo in Miami and getting extremely cozy in an extremely public way, well …

*breaks glass*

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! WE ARE GO! BENNIFER IS BACK, BABY! BENNIFER IS BACK!

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