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Celebrity Slam (494)

Wednesday, 11 May 2022 11:00

Celebrity Slam - Life imitates art?

Written by Allen Adams

We here at Celebrity Slam are here for the drama. Of course we are – drama is what gives us the sorts of items that allow us to do what we do. We love it when famous people get up to their usual shenanigans so we can have a little fun at their expense.

But sometimes, we get something that feels almost TOO perfect. The sort of item that is seemingly tailor-made for what we do here. And so it is this week.

Before we get into the details, we should do a refresher on the Celebrity Slam Theorem. For those unfamiliar with the rough math of CS, here’s a quick refresher. The more famous a person is, the less outlandish their actions need to be to warrant inclusion here. Also, the inverse is true. This is important information due to the fact that we’re going to be talking about a soap opera star whose name you probably don’t know, so, y’know … it’s gonna get weird.

Wednesday, 04 May 2022 11:08

Celebrity Slam - A couple of Kardashian items

Written by Allen Adams

Things have been a little off-kilter in this space over the past few weeks. For whatever reason, the world of Celebrity Slam has been wonky, with stories that are either really wild or really dark or really … something. And that’s been OK – there was a long stretch where we were visiting with the same handful of famous folks over and over again. That stretch appears to be over. We’ve been doing our best to steer clear, but it seems that we’ve reached an impasse:

So - let’s talk Kardashians.

We’ve actually got a couple of different Kardashian stories to discuss this week. We’ll start with the one that has more real-world implications.

Wednesday, 27 April 2022 09:24

Celebrity Slam - Fight the unfriendly skies

Written by Allen Adams

We do not condone violence here at Celebrity Slam. We are big fans of wounding with words, not with fists, and the reality is that there are vanishingly few situations in which resorting to physical confrontation is the right thing to do.

However, we are also charged with addressing the weird and wild things that celebrities get up to. Sometimes – not often, but occasionally – those things veer into the realm of the physical, leaving us little choice but to discuss them in this space.

So yes, we are in fact going to talk about Mike Tyson punching that guy.

Wednesday, 20 April 2022 10:48

Celebrity Slam - No turn unstoned

Written by Allen Adams

We’re aware that things have gotten heavy a bit more often than usual in this space in recent months. The truth is that we go where the celebrities take us, and for whatever reason, we’ve been forced to be just a bit realer than we might otherwise want to get.

While we’re not promising that we won’t venture back into deeper waters in the future, you’ll be happy to know that we’ve found just the right lighthearted idiocy for this April 20 edition of Celebrity Slam.

Seth Rogen is in a fight with Jack in the Box. You’re welcome.

Wednesday, 13 April 2022 10:42

Celebrity Slam - Blast from the past!

Written by Allen Adams

It’s unhealthy to spend all of our time living in the past. While it can be nice to revisit some fond memories, the truth is that too much focus on what went before can cause real problems. There’s a reason noted internet judge John Hodgman calls nostalgia a “toxic impulse” – more time in the past means less time in the present.

But sometimes … sometimes the past and present collide. Such a collision has recently taken place and dear reader, we are HERE FOR IT.

In case you’ve been stranded in the wilderness with no bars for the past few days, it is our pleasure to inform you that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are engaged. Again!

Wednesday, 06 April 2022 12:35

Celebrity Slam - Club funeral

Written by Allen Adams

Here at Celebrity Slam, we’re all about making light of the faults and foibles of the rich and famous. It’s something that we enjoy doing and that – we think – we’ve gotten pretty good at over the years.

But every once in a while, an item crosses our desk that is outside our usual ken. These are stories that don’t necessarily warrant our usual brand of snarky scorn, but that are still so staggeringly, puzzlingly weird that we feel obligated to address them.

As per usual, the First Axiom of Celebrity Slam applies: the more famous the person, the less outlandish the comment/behavior/what have you needs to be, and vice versa. Basically, the less well known you are, the stranger the story has to be to get you into this space.

And we had literally never heard of this person before.

It’s important to us that we make something clear here – we are not making light of the incident that we are about to describe. There is nothing funny about a person’s passing and we don’t want to indicate that we think there is. However, we saw this story and we absolutely HAD to talk about it with someone. And since no one else was around, well … you’re getting it.

Of course. Of COURSE.

One of our favorite editions of the year here at Celebrity Slam is the annual April Fools’ Day edition. This is the one week where we’re at liberty to just make up whatever nonsense we want and run it. It’s a chance to stretch a different type of creative muscle and have some fun while doing it. Again – it’s something we genuinely look forward to.

So of course Will Smith has to be a complete loon and slap Chris Rock across the face in the middle of Academy Awards.

Seriously – there’s literally no way for us to avoid talking about this, even taking into account the fact that our take is far from a necessary one. But if you’re committed to discussing the celebrity space and the negative behavior that takes place therein, well … this is the kind of thing you have to bring up, April Fools’ Day or no.

Wednesday, 23 March 2022 12:08

Celebrity Slam - The mom who cried Wolf

Written by Allen Adams

We’re doing our darnedest here at Celebrity Slam, but it is becoming abundantly clear that we are currently living in a Kardashian-heavy era. There’s no getting around it – if you want to operate in the realm of making fun of famous people right now, you’re going to have to deal with this family.

We don’t like it, but we don’t have a ton of choice. The best we can do is steer clear of the increasingly-unsettling fiasco surrounding Kim, Ye and Pete Davidson – at least for this week. And honestly, that’s kind of a feat, considering Ye got booted from performing at the Grammys for being the worst online and Pete bailed on going to space for reasons that remain unclear. Oh, and Kim went all out (figuratively and literally) for the release of her new swimwear line.

But we’re still in the family, because Kim’s little sister Kylie managed to do something extremely weird – she decided to rename her kid. Not in utero, mind you – this kid has already been out and about for a couple of months.

Wednesday, 16 March 2022 10:37

Celebrity Slam - All work, no play

Written by Allen Adams

All right, so we’ve managed to steer clear of the Kardashian-West-Davidson scene for a bit. Alas, we’re heading back in that direction. On the plus side, we won’t be discussing any of Ye’s outlandish behavior this time around. He’s still out there making questionable decisions, but we won’t be discussing them here. Not this week, anyway.

No, we’re going to talk about the other two legs in this increasingly unsettling triangle.

Wednesday, 09 March 2022 11:59

Celebrity Slam - Elliott mess

Written by Allen Adams

We obviously take great pride in scorning and deriding the misadventures of the rich and famous in this space. And the reality is that, even though there are plenty of celebrities out there, we tend to get a lot of mileage out of a relatively low number of them. Whether it is shamelessness or just plain idiocy, you tend to see the same names pop up here on the regular.

However, sometimes we get newcomers. Folks that we never would have expected to land here and that, frankly, should probably know better.

And so we come to the unfortunate case of Sam Elliott.

In a recent interview on Marc Maron’s “WTF” podcast, Elliott – who is generally celebrated for his grizzled nature and portrayal of tough guys – was asked for his thoughts on the film “Power of the Dog,” a Western that leads this year’s Academy Awards field with a dozen nominations.

Old Sam’s answer was, well … to call it disappointing would be something of an understatement.

“You wanna talk about that piece of s—t?”

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