Celebrity Slam (430)

Tuesday, 19 January 2021 16:02

A Spears cat-astrophe

Written by Allen Adams

Working as we do on this feature every week, we’ve seen more than our share of weird celebrity stories. Sure, the majority of them are pretty basic – saying inappropriate things on social media, breaking up in embarrassingly public ways, getting wasted and pulling the “Do you know who I am?” card – that sort of stuff.

But every once in a while, we come across an item that is just plain weird. Sometimes, the weird is off-putting and gross (see last week’s take on the Armie Hammer situation – a situation that, we might add, is still ongoing). Other times, it’s just something that you simply never would have expected to see written out.

This week’s item is the latter.

It’s been a while since the Spears family has popped up on the Celebrity Slam radar. Britney was a mainstay of this space during the early days, but as her behavior spiraled, her actions became less mockable and more pitiable. Her sister Jamie Lynn would pop up from time to time, but never for anything really good.

But then Jamie Lynn gave us something far better than her sister ever brought to the table.

In a now-deleted Instagram post from last week, Spears took to the internet to tell the world that Elon Musk killed her cats.

Tuesday, 12 January 2021 18:47

Celebrity Slam - Dropping the Hammer

Written by Allen Adams

Over the years that we’ve been in charge of this space, we’ve seen our share of crazy stories cross our desk. Obviously, celebrities have been getting up to all manner of nonsense ever since there have been celebrities – the rules have never been fully applied to famous people.

However, there have only been a couple of stories that have legitimately caused us to question whether they were TOO crazy for us to address here. We went back and forth about this one, but ultimately, we decided that we were going to go ahead and run with it, if only because anyone who has any interest in celebrity gossip will DEFINITELY be talking about it.

So yeah – let’s talk about Armie Hammer. If you haven’t heard about this story yet, well … buckle up. S—t is WILD.

(It is worth noting from the outset that much of what follows remains unconfirmed, so there’s a real possibility that we will find out it’s all a hoax. Frankly, we very much hope that that winds up being the case, because DAMN Armie.)

Wednesday, 30 December 2020 11:38

Celebrity Slam - Free at last!

Written by Allen Adams

One of the most on-brand stories we’ve ever had in this space was the ongoing college admissions scandal in which rich folks coughed up thousands of dollars in an effort to ensure that their progeny were able to attend the institution of higher learning of their choice.

Among the people caught up in the wide net cast by the investigation into the scheme were actors Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. Both women wound up eventually facing the music and receiving their punishment – including jail time.

Well, we’ve reached what is probably the end of the whole sordid affair – at least as far as Celebrity Slam is concerned – now that Loughlin has been released from prison.

Wednesday, 23 December 2020 12:20

Celebrity Slam - Cruise (out of) control

Written by Allen Adams

One of the many intricacies of the Celebrity Slam mechanism is our formula for determining what items wind up receiving the spotlight in this space. We won’t go into details – it’s complicated (and proprietary) – but the gist is this: the more famous the person, the less egregious the offense needs to be. And, obviously, vice versa.

Basically, this means that megafamous folks don’t have to step in it too deeply to make the Slam, but the more fringy celebrities really have to do something bad and/or nutso to make the cut. There’s a lot of math involved, algorithms and whatnot, but that’s the basic deal.

But every once in a while, you get a megafamous person doing something megacrazy and, well … suffice it to say, that’s a good week for Celebrity Slam. And thanks to Tom Cruise – king of the megafamous/megacrazy combo – it’s a VERY good week.

Wednesday, 16 December 2020 13:36

Celebrity Slam - Snaking care of business

Written by Allen Adams

We strive to be equal opportunity trash-talkers here at Celebrity Slam. Our goal is to treat every famous person – and every foible – with the same level of scorn and derision. Of course, some items are more worthy of our attentions than others, but we do our best to keep things fair.

That said, it’s not like we can avoid having our favorites – we’re only human after all. And there are certain behaviors that we particularly enjoy mocking. It’s all fair game, obviously, but there are some things that hit us just right.

We love a good celebrity portmanteau, of course. We are always here for a “Don’t you know who I am?” or any of its infinite permutations. And there’s something lovely about a rich and famous person getting called out for not paying what they owe.

This week’s story – involving NBA player Dwight Howard – falls into that last category.

A suit was recently filed against Howard by two women claiming that he failed to pay them for services provided. Services that included – but were not limited to – caring for his collection of exotic snakes.


Wednesday, 09 December 2020 12:37

Celebrity Slam - Sweet smell of success

Written by Allen Adams

Celebrities are all about that paper.

Now, we’re sure that there are some famous folks out there who genuinely don’t care about money. Granted, that’s probably because they’ve already got a lot of it, but still – not every celeb is about maximizing profit.

That said – a LOT of them are.

One such celebrity is Drake, who has long shown himself to be someone willing to do pretty much whatever so long as the price is right and the check clears. He catches a lot of flak about it, but at the very least, he’s up front about it.

But even an unabashed sellout like Aubrey Graham can go too far.

Tuesday, 01 December 2020 14:22

Celebrity Slam - Ebb and Flowbee

Written by Allen Adams

Celebrities – they’re just like us!

Now, we all know that that statement simply isn’t true. Celebrities are, for the most part, nothing like us. They live in insulated bubbles that are specifically curated to not allow for any pushback against their weird or unpleasant behaviors. Most are driven by outsized egos and entitlement, and while there are plenty of regular folks out there motivated by the same forces, they don’t have armies of paid enablers whose sole job is to allow them to continue down the primrose path of complete and utter self-involvement.

Of course, we occasionally get celebs who go out of their way to try and prove that they’re regular people. Usually, this comes off as pandering and/or condescending, an effort for the famous figure in question to lower themselves to the level of the great unwashed.

Sometimes, though, one of them says something so ridiculous on its face that you actually find yourself considering the possibility that they’ve said something true.

This brings us to George Clooney.

Wednesday, 25 November 2020 12:57

Celebrity Slam - Rising to the occasion

Written by Allen Adams

Our favorite stories here at Celebrity Slam are the ones where it’s easy to have fun. Some items require a degree of delicacy when we address them, simply because while we certainly take pleasure in the scorn and mockery of famous folks, we also don’t want to cross any lines. We’re all for hurting your pride, but we don’t necessarily want to hurt your feelings.

That’s why we love it when a story like this next one pops up. It is ridiculous and easy to laugh at, but the target is someone who not only wouldn’t be hurt, they flat-out wouldn’t care. This one isn’t for them – it’s for us.

Let’s talk about Spike Lee’s next project, shall we?

Spike is one of the greatest filmmakers of his generation, one of the best that America has ever produced. If there’s a pantheon of American directors, he’s in it; if there’s a Rushmore, he’s on it. He’s finally gotten his Oscar, though his body of work remains woefully underrepresented in the glitzy Hollywood awards realm (he’s probably got a shot for this year’s “Da 5 Bloods,” so we’ll see).

Again – iconic. So you’d imagine that his next project would be something pretty impressive, to follow the one-two 2020 punch of “Da 5 Bloods” and “American Utopia,” the movie version of David Byrne’s stage show of the same name that Lee directed and that just might be one of the five best concert films ever made.

Or, you know – a musical about Viagra. Yes, we’re serious.

Tuesday, 17 November 2020 16:51

Celebrity Slam - A Celebrity Slampler

Written by Allen Adams

Obviously, our main goal each week here at Celebrity Slam is to find a famous person’s misdeeds and expounding upon their idiocy for 700ish words. It’s the formula on which we’ve settled and it seems to be working out quite well for all involved.

However, every once in a while, there’s a week where we don’t have that singular event, but rather a handful of smaller happenings that don’t warrant the full CS treatment on an individual level. When that happens, we try to do a grab bag of quick hits. As you might have guessed, this is one of those week – we’re looking at a “don’t you know who I am?” story, a mystery pooper and the end of a celebrity couple.


Tuesday, 10 November 2020 12:14

Celebrity Slam - Don’t stop ‘til you film enough

Written by Allen Adams

There are far more celebrities out there than we could possibly ever Slam. We’re simply unable to keep up with just how many famous people are out there. YouTubers and TikTok stars and Soundcloud musicians, people with multiple millions of fans – there’s a real chance that we literally could not pick them out of a lineup.

(Please note that this is by no means a condemnation of these folks and their fame. No, it is a condemnation of us, for we are old and largely out of touch, despite our efforts.)

Now, the subject of this week’s Slam isn’t that level of famous – at least, we don’t think he is, but as we’ve established, there’s a lot we don’t know – but we thought it important that we establish the fact that we have no idea.

So Daeshard. He’s a musician whose name we would almost certainly have never come across (and aren’t 100% how to pronounce) unless we saw him on TMZ doing something that was just the right combination of brazen and stupid to warrant mention in this space. And since we don’t really know who he is, we obviously needed him to do something BIG. How big, you ask?

Allegedly breaking into Neverland Ranch to film an illicit music video big.

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