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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Todd Parker 01-06-2016

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Dear Todd Parker,

This isn't really a problem, but I would like to get some of your thoughts. It's officially 2016, and like most of us, I've made some New Year's resolutions. Nothing spectacular - mostly the standard stuff everybody else resolves to do.

I want to be healthier, eat better, and maybe lose a few pounds. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. I'm going to try to be more productive at work; I'm hoping to snag a promotion. I know these are all good things that will probably make my life better, but when I look at it, it all seems so boring.

So what I'm wondering is what someone like you plans for a new year. Do you even make resolutions? If you do, what kind are they and are you any good at actually keeping them? Just wanted to know.

Resolute in Brewer

Dear Resolute,

Well, friend, there's one thing for certain those are indeed some lame, boring resolutions.

One thing that we must always remember is that no matter how awesome we are, there is always room for improvement. For some (like you), there are lots of big things to be done to make life vastly better. For others (like me), it's more about finding those little tweaks that can turn awesome into superawesome.

Most people see resolutions as lifestyle changes. I'm more of a bucket list-type resolver, as I have already achieved an ideal life. Here are a few of my 2016 resolutions, but be warned: these might well make you question your own choices. You've been warned, so don't come crying to me if you wind up feeling bad about yourself.

1. Get involved in a Twitter beef with a celebrity. I'd accept a Kardashian or maybe someone like Drake, but truthfully, I've got someone specific in my sights. That's right; I've had just about enough of your attitude, Sir Ian McKellen. I'm coming for you.

2. Punch a salad in the face. Any old salad will do, although I'd prefer to take a swing at one of those high-and-mighty salads with berries or walnuts.

3. Jump the shark. And not as any sort of metaphor for getting played out; I want to literally jump a shark. No water skis either; I plan to do it on a windsurfing board. If I can do it while wearing a leather jacket a la Fonzie, so much the better.

4. Run a 5K while wearing a beer helmet. If further explanation is necessary, you are a sad, sad person.

5. Take a trip by train. That's all; it seems like a delightful way to travel.

There. That's how you do New Year's resolutions. Losing weight or quitting smoking is great and all, but punching a salad is forever.


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