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Dear Todd Parker - January 29th, 2014

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Dear Todd Parker Dear Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm assuming that this letter will fall on deaf ears, but I have to make some sort of effort. I need to know.

Where have you gone, Todd Parker?

Have you been phased out? I know that your appearances in the Edge went from weekly to semi-weekly to occasional, but there's been nothing for months. Where have you gone? Are you ever coming back?

I don't know if you've moved on to greener pastures or what. If you have, I understand. Maybe your bosses at the Edge felt like your act was getting tired. I would understand that too. I just want to know if you're ever coming back. I'm sure plenty of people are glad you're gone. Heck, I thought I'd be one of them, but every once in a while, I find myself missing you.

What's the story?

Curious in Bangor

Dear Curious,

Your letter is just one of dozens that have been received at stately Edge Manor over the past months. It's understandable that the great unwashed would be curious about the steady dilution of their Parker fix. I use your letter, Curious, to serve as a proxy for all those who have asked to know what's going on. I answer your question thusly:

Get bent.

Where I go and what I do is none of your business. You have no idea what kind of life I lead. You think I need this gig, dispensing pellets of wisdom every time one of you clicks a lever in the rat-cage psych experiment that is your life? Yeah, it's fun to be the guy who actively derides you for the bad choices that you make, but I'm a busy man. I've got other projects in the pipeline projects which are also no concern of yours, by the way and I just can't guarantee that I've got the time to spare from week to week.

Hell, if you recall back in April, there was a piece in this very publication about my time at the moon base. I was on the effing MOON, pal you think I care about whether you should ask that girl from the bar on a date?

I've got a tacit agreement with the head honcho over here that if and when I feel like writing something, he'll publish it. If I don't, he can make do. He accepts it because I'm the best at what I doand because of the incriminating documents and photographs in my possession. He'll continue to let me do what I want when I want if he knows what's good for him.

You want the story? Tough nuggets buddy. Come up with an interesting problem and maybe I'll respond to it. Otherwise, you can, as I stated before, get bent.


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