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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Dear Todd Parker, (12/17/14)

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I am in love with a wonderful man. He is sweet and caring and gives me everything I could want from a relationship. He's just great. In all the big ways, he's perfect.

But the little things are starting to pile up. Disgusting little things.

He picks his nose. Not just in the house, which is gross enough but sometimes a necessary evil, but out in public. We'll be out shopping or visiting friends or whatever and he'll just jam his finger in there and root around like it's perfectly normal. He won't even excuse himself. I've told him that it bothers me, but he refuses to think that it's a big deal.

And when we sit down to dinner, he makes all these weird noises while he eats. Through the whole meal, there will be all these whistling moans and grunts. They aren't all that loud, but certainly audible. When we've been out at restaurants, I've caught other diners staring at him.

All that stuff shouldn't matter - he really is a great guy. He treats me like a queen. But he just won't stop doing these annoying little things and it's starting to drive me crazy. I've actually entertained the thought of leaving him because of them. Does that make me a bad person?

Disgusted in Bangor

Dear Disgusted,

Are you really so shallow that a few minor quirks like those are going to put an end to your loving relationship? For shame.

Nah, just kidding - that stuff is gross.

Now, I'm rarely a proponent of attempting to change a dude. That tends to end badly. However, when we're talking about stuff like nosepicking and food gruntingthat changes things considerably.

I don't care how great your guy is. If he doesn't understand that prospecting for boogers is inappropriate public behavior, then that lack of understanding is going to spill over into other arenas. Seriously. What other gross weirdness is going to come out of the woodwork as time passes? Earwax eating? Fart saving? You just can't know.

The whole noisemaking during mealtime isn't quite as vile (although it's certainly bizarre); it's the irritating bow on the social misfit package.

Put it all together and you've got a recipe for misery. You say he's a great guy. He must be for you to stick around through the snot and snorts. Give him one more shot; tell him that he needs to clean up his act or you're kicking him to the curb.

Yes, it's harsh, but if you don't take care of this now, you're just going to grow more and more resentful as you feel less and less able to escape.

And for the love of all that is holy, get that man a handkerchief.


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