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Dear Todd Parker (11/02/2016)

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Dear Todd Parker,

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years; we dated for about three before we got married. Our seventh anniversary is coming up. I could never have imagined being this happy with my life.

We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago that prompted this letter. We were talking about how happy we are (disgusting, I know) when she said that there was practically nothing I could do to make her love me any less. To be clear, we were just talking about stuff on the level of annoyance anything truly awful or severe was clearly addressed by the 'practically.' But as I am possessed of the maturity level of your average adolescent boy, I immediately took this statement as a challenge.

What seemingly minor irritation (or irritations) do you think would be enough to cause my wife to question her decisions? Don't get me wrong; I'm not going to actually try to make my wife love me any less. I just find myself wondering what it would take.

I know this is a weird thing to think about, but I'm a weird guy. I figured you might have some thoughts on the sorts of things I'd have to say and do.

Curious in Brewer

Dear Curious,

You are absolutely correct. You are a weird guy.

What we have here is the dark side of the relationship hypothetical. This is an object lesson for everyone out there; you need to be careful when you let 'what if?' off its leash. If your significant other is a weirdo like Curious here, they're going to wander off. God knows what they'll get into.

Weirdness aside, however, I admit to being intrigued by your proposition. What amalgamation of small things might add up to a big thing? Just off the top of my head, here's a list of possibilities:

Poop with the door open

Watch TV with the volume just a touch too high/low

Take over a shared space with an ungainly 'hobby,' then fail to follow through

Haphazardly move furniture around

Refuse to use the clothes hamper or hang up clothes

Never change the toilet paper roll or put the seat down

Fart in front of his/her parents

Chew with your mouth open (if you want to go next level, feel free to talk as well)

And that's just a few. Now, while all of these things are inconsiderate, they're really just minor annoyances. Each of those (relatively) harmless flaws is a non-issue individually, but collectively, it's a big old pile of questioning your choice in life partner. However, if you add them all together, you construct a veritable Voltron of irritation, a giant mechanical robot warrior of spouse-bothering.

So there you go. Your wife loves you. It's probably possible for you to make her love you less, but that would be one of the stupidest things you ever did. Probably the stupidest. You don't want to do that. You're an obvious weirdo who has somehow stumbled into happiness. Don't be a moron and screw it up because you're some sort of idiot man-child.

Of course, if you go ahead with this, I'll expect full documentation.

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