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Dear Todd Parker - 10/29/14

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(Note: This message was sent to Michael Fern, the esteemed publisher of The Maine Edge, regarding the quality of Todd Parker's recent work. We thought it best to allow Mr. Parker to respond to these concerns in his own inimitable style. We did not, however, give him access to the writer's name. It just seemed the most prudent course of action.)

Dear Michael,

I am a very huge fan of yourpublication but recently I have noticed that the Ask Todd Parker has been really lame and doesn't contain the flair and crass frankness that I loved so much about it. Either you replaced the writer or he has been replaced by a pod person. Either way, please bring him back!! Please!!!

Todd Parker's biggest fan,

[NAME REDACTED]

Dear Whoever You Are,

You have got to be f---ing kidding me with this st.

God forbid I try to take a little time to actually help you turds deal with some of your inane bullcrap. You think I don't have better things to do than handhold you through some basic human interaction that anyone over the age of three should be able to manage perfectly well? After so many years of telling you idiots what idiots you are, I thought maybe I could actually use my superior intellect to make your sad little lives just a tiny bit less terrible.

That'll teach me.

All I can say is that you're lucky that you took the time to acknowledge both my flair (guilty!) and crass frankness (more guilty!). Otherwise, I'd be forced to say some things that you'd regret.

I never went anywhere. Replace me? Are you serious? As if anyone could possibly assume the mantle of the man, the myth, the legend I just thought I'd take empathy for a test drive. Sometimes, a guy just wants to see how the other half lives. And I think it's clear that, were I to truly move away from the dark side, I could make the world a better place for a lot of people.

But of course, you aren't the only person who feels this way, random person. It turns out that you people are not only morons, but masochists as well. You're all out there looking for sticks instead of carrots. I won't even pretend to understand it; Todd Parker has always been one to go with the flow. I tried benevolence, but you all want to be berated.

And that's what you're going to get.

All that aside, I will begrudgingly admit that actually trying to help isn't nearly as much fun as telling you nozzles what I really think. So you win, whoever the hell you are. Put that on your resume, because Todd Parker doesn't often concede.

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