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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Dear Todd Parker (01/04/2017)

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Dear Todd Parker,

This isn’t really a problem, but I would like to get some of your thoughts. It’s officially 2017, and like a lot of people, I’ve made some New Year’s resolutions. Nothing spectacular - mostly the standard stuff everybody else resolves to do.

I want to be healthier, eat better, and maybe lose a few pounds. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. I’m going to try to be more productive at work; I’m hoping to snag a promotion. I know these are all good things that will probably make my life better, but when I look at it, it all seems so boring.

So what I’m wondering is what someone like you plans for a new year. Do you even make resolutions? If you do, what kind are they and are you any good at actually keeping them? Just wanted to know.

Resolute in Brewer


Dear Resolute,

Well, friend, there’s one thing for certain – those are indeed some lame, boring resolutions.

One thing that we must always remember is that no matter how awesome we are, there is always room for improvement. For some (like you), there are lots of big things to be done to make life vastly better. For others (like me), it’s more about finding those little tweaks that can turn awesome into superawesome.

Most people see resolutions as lifestyle changes. I’m more of a bucket list-type resolver, as I have already achieved an ideal life. Here are a few of my 2017 resolutions, but be warned: these might well make you question your own choices. You’ve been warned, so don’t come crying to me if you wind up feeling bad about yourself.

1. Construct a life-sized bust of my head out of fried cheese so that I might subsequently eat said life-sized fried cheese bust in a single sitting.

2. Binge-watch an entire season of a prestige TV show and then get all smug and dismissive about how it isn’t very good solely for the sake of a contrarian hot take. The better the show, the hotter the take.

3. Punch a salad in the face. Any old salad will do, although I’d prefer to take a swing at one of those high-and-mighty salads with berries or walnuts.

4. Split the atom with a chisel. And yes, before you say anything, I’m fully aware that I stole that from the 1988 Yahoo Serious classic “Young Einstein.” Doesn’t make me want to do it any less.

5. Teach a dog to whistle.

6. Run a 5K while wearing a beer helmet. If further explanation is necessary, you are a sad, sad person.

7. Take a trip by train. Scoff if you will, but it seems like a delightful way to travel.

There. That’s how you do New Year’s resolutions. Losing weight or quitting smoking is great and all, but punching a salad is forever.


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