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Ask Todd Parker - Sept. 26, 2012

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Dear Todd Parker,

I'm in love. I haven't been seeing this girl for very long, but everything about her seems perfect for me. She's smart and funny, plus she's super hot. She likes a lot of the same things that I like, and we always have a good time when we go out together. So yeah, like I said, she seems perfect. There's just one little problem.

It's her cats.

Now, I'm no animal hater. I grew up around pets. This is a whole different level, though. Last week, she brought me back to her place for the first time. It was quite possibly the most disgusting experience of my life. She's got seven cats in her one-bedroom apartment; the entire place is covered with hair and everything smells like pee. There's a litter box in every room, and from the smell, they're all in constant use.

Am I crazy to let this be a deal breaker? Am I overreacting here? This is literally the only issue I have with her; everything else really is perfect. I'm so confused - what do you think I should do?

- Nauseated in Old Town

Dear Nauseated,

Run away. Run away just as fast as you can.

This chick is obviously dealing with some serious weirdness. Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome doesn't usually set in until at least the mid-40s - your girl isn't 85 years old or anything, is she?

Dating a girl with pets is fine. In fact, it can be great, because playing with animals can be pretty cool. Mostly dogs, but I've met my share of awesome cats, too. Seven at once, though? That sounds really gross and horribly unsanitary. Plus, you have to wonder what kind of issues have led her to believe that living in filth with a pack of creatures that would probably eat her if given a chance is socially acceptable.

And lest we forget, she let you see the inner sanctum of her lunacy. She has to be completely delusional to think that that was going to end well.

You say that this is the only issue that you have with her, but you're blinded by the foxiness. Do you really think that this is something that you can just move beyond? Can you not see the massive garden of terrible that is going to spring up from the fertile loam of cat grossness? Take a minute and think about this.

I get it, man. You think you're in love. Doesn't matter. She seems cool and she's super hot. Doesn't matter. Don't get sucked into her craziness; no one needs a woman who has that kind of head start toward insanity. Abandon ship, man. You'll thank me later.

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