Posted by

Todd Parker Todd Parker
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


Ask Todd Parker - Sept. 12, 2012

Rate this item
(0 votes)

Dear Todd Parker,

I need to preface this by saying that I have no problem with kids. I like kids; sure, they can be a little irritating when they're running around and screaming and all that, but most of the children in my neighborhood are really nice, respectful kids. Besides, I understand that mischief is part of the package. Kids get up to stuff. I get it.

But there's such a thing as too far.

One of my neighbors has kids; I have yet to determine how many, but I've seen four or five different ones roaming around in their yard. Most of the time, they're fine, but in recent weeks I've noticed a troubling trend.


These neighbor kids have been flailing away at a bow and arrow set for a couple of months now, which wasn't a problem until I started noticing arrows in my yard. The last straw was when I found one of their arrows buried in the ground not two feet from my propane tank.

I've seen them skulk into the yard to retrieve their missiles a couple of times, but I haven't busted them yet because I'm not sure what the play is. How do you think I should handle it?

Targeted in Bangor

Dear Targeted,

Have you tried throwing vodka bottles at them while standing in your yard shaking your fist and shouting incoherently? That always works for me.

So these kids have the brass stones to shoot arrows at your house and then just waltz over and pick up their ammo so they can reload and launch the assault all over again? It's like I always say: children will absolutely kill you if given the opportunity.

What you have here, Targeted, is an opportunity to impart a valuable life lesson about respecting the property of other people. There are a number of ways to go about this. You could:

  1. Hurl liquor bottles as mentioned previously.
  2. Retrieve the arrows yourself, bend them into ominous Blair Witch-like shapes and then leave them in the neighbor's yard under cover of night.
  3. Build a small trebuchet and launch your garbage onto their lawn.
  4. Poop on their doorstep.
  5. Speak to the parents and ask them to prevent their kids from assaulting your house.

Unfortunately, the only non-crazy option is E. I know, I know I don't like it any more than you do. While terrorizing your neighbor might seem like the right move initially, the fine folks in the local law enforcement community will probably disabuse you of that notion probably while they ease you into the back of a cruiser.

Kids will be kids, as stupid as that sounds. While the rain of arrows seems malicious, it probably isn't. They just have still-developing brains. Kids can be idiots, is what I'm saying. Just talk to the parents and the problem will most likely go away.

But keep those liquor bottles handy.


The Maine Edge. All rights reserved. Privacy policy. Terms & Conditions.

Website CMS and Development by Links Online Marketing, LLC, Bangor Maine