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Ask Todd Parker - October 23rd, 2013

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Dear Todd Parker,

Halloween is coming up and I'm looking for some advice.

My girlfriend and I have been invited to a costume party. I'm all for wearing ridiculous costumes and all that stuff; I think Halloween is great. My girlfriend is also really excited for it. That's actually the problem.

She wants to do a couples costume, and not the kind where you each dress up as a character from a movie or whatever. That would be fine. No, she wants us to do something where we would literally be attached together. She keeps saying things like 'We could be a two-headed monster! Wouldn't that be fun?'

No. No it would not be fun. Not at all.

How do I tell her that the idea of being stapled together for the whole party doesn't appeal to me? It's not that I don't want to hang out with her or anything, but I'd prefer not to have our sweat mingling all night. Going to the bathroom by myself would also be nice.

What's the play here? I would hate to hurt her feelings, but I feel like she's going to take it personally.

At a loss in Orono

Dear Loss,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're probably going to end up as a two-headed monster or a conjoined twin or the less-desirable end of a unicorn or whatever. That's going to happen.

Couple costumes are always a crapshoot. Sometimes, they work out brilliantly and you get to spend the whole evening listening to everyone talk about how clever and creative you are. It doesn't have to be hard; throw on a fedora, get your lady a vintage dress, grab a couple of highball glasses and boom! you're the Drapers.

Other times, they are the worst. Just the absolute worst. A whole lot of work and discomfort, only to have people say 'Oh, that's nice' or even better 'What are you supposed to be?' And that, unfortunately, seems to be the scenario in which you currently find yourself.

Suck it up, man. Unless you've got some absolutely dynamite idea and going as one of those Duck Dynasty yahoos doesn't count you need to go ahead and bow to your lady's wishes. Don't worry about it; after you've been sitting in thousand-degree heat in someone's kitchen for 20 minutes, your lady will be just as ready to abandon ship as you are. Sure, you'll be sporting half a costume, but who cares when you're bobbing for apples or whatever it is you kids do at Halloween parties these days.

And here's a rule of thumb for future reference: when doing the nice thing is easy, just go ahead and do it and don't bother me with your crap.

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