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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Ask Todd Parker - May 9, 2012

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Dear Todd Parker,

I've recently started dating a woman and things are going pretty well. We've gone out a bunch of times and everything seems to be clicking. We like a lot of the same stuff, she enjoys my friends, I enjoy her friends it's all good. I just have one question. It might sound stupid, but I've devoted a lot of time to it. I've lost all objectivity at this point, so I'm asking you.

How long do I have to wait before I fart in front of her?

I kind of can't believe that I'm asking such a ridiculous question, but I'm nervous about it. What if we're sitting on the couch and I accidentally let one rip and she's totally disgusted by it? What if it just grosses her out? It's not like I can just say 'Hey, so what are your feelings about farts?' because that's weird.

Is there any sort of etiquette in place for this sort of thing? Are there rules that I should be following? If I'm honest, I have to admit that I find farts hilarious; if she's holding a hardline anti-fart stance, it could alter the course of our relationship.

What's the play?

Holding it in in Brewer

Dear Holding,

I'm going to go out on a limb with this one and assume that you are neither yanking my chain nor a moron. Granted, you're probably one or both, but as I have some strong feelings on the subject of flatulence, I'mma just going to roll with it.

You're right. Farts are funny. They are the funniest noise that your body can make. The most finely-crafted hour-long standup set pales in comparison to 30 seconds of fart noises. Make them stinky and you're talking 15 seconds tops.

But that's an opinion.

You need to try and figure out how to be a gentleman, assbag. I know it's tough when you're still surrounded by your idiot friends all the time, but you have to treat a lady right. You can't just sit there waiting for the chance to fart in front of your woman; it has to happen naturally or not at all.

Women and farts make for a delicate balancing act. Some chicks are cool with farting, acknowledging that everybody does it (even you, ladies). Others are offended at the mere idea and can't even say the word 'fart,' replacing it with 'poot' or some such insipidness. Most fall somewhere in between. You'll never know how she'll react until it happens.

My fart feelings aside, however, you are an utter toolbox for even implying that your relationship might suffer if your lady doesn't like farts. That might not be the stupidest thing that's ever been said to me, but I'm betting it's in the top five.

Long story short farts are awesome and you suck.

Last modified on Thursday, 24 May 2012 01:04


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