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Ask Todd Parker - May 8, 2013

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Dear Todd Parker,

A friend of mine started dating this girl a couple of months ago. I had seen her around and stuff, but we'd never really hung out or anything like that. Just one of those familiar faces you see out and about; none of us really knew much about her. So my buddy starts dating her and now I'm seeing her more and more in a social setting. 

And she's awful.

Todd, I don't even know how to put into words how terrible she is. She's constantly talking and it's always about herself even her stories about other people inevitably center on her. And the stuff about her isn't even interesting; hell, I don't think there's anything interesting to be said. She never gets our jokes (but totally pretends to) and generally makes any sort of gathering totally awkward on the rare occasion that she actually lets him hang out. And God forbid he ever does anything without her glued to his hip; I haven't seen him alone since they started dating.

None of us have any idea what he sees in her. Even the fact that she's fairly attractive is completely overwhelmed by her complete and utter awfulness. 

I don't know what to do. I miss hanging out with him but every minute in her presence is a kind of torture. I don't want to lose my friend, but if I have to listen to one more idiotic story about a boring event in a boring life involving boring people that I never ever EVER want to meet, I might go off the deep end.

Help me.

- Desperate in Brewer

Dear Desperate,

Get him out of there. Yesterday.

I've seen it a thousand times before: buddy finds new girlfriend, new girlfriend is terrible, buddy disappears. Bros before hoes? A myth. There are precious few men out there capable of kicking a hot chick - no matter how horrible - to the curb. We are not stone, Desperate. We're flesh. Sad, lonely flesh.

You've still got to try, though. Rescuing a friend from the clutches of a succubus like that is an extremely difficult and thankless task. Even if you're successful, there's a good chance that he's going to resent you for it, at least for a while. He's got blinders on right now. All he can see is foxiness - all the other crap is secondary.

Of course, if there are no cracks in the armor, you've already lost. If he's not already aware, even on a subconscious level, that his girlfriend sucks, then you're going to have a hell of a time convincing him. If, however, he's not a complete moron, then more likely than not he has an inkling as to what the situation is.

You can't just come out and say 'Your girlfriend sucks.' Even if he knows, he's going to get defensive if you confront him about it. So more subtle tactics are required. Try and put the two of them into situations where she can show the world how lame she is. Let her do all the work - if she's as terrible as you say she is, all it'll take is a little steering.

Your devotion to your friend's well-being is admirable. Just don't be surprised if he winds up choosing her. She has better boobs than you do.

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