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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Ask Todd Parker - May 28th, 2014

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Dear Todd Parker,

I'm a recent college graduate who is heading out into the real world for the first time. It seems like my entire life up to this point has been dictated by the demands of people around me. My world has been all about the schedule for the last 15 years.

I'd kind of like to take some time for me.

Of course, my parents think the idea is ridiculous. They want me to just go out and find a job and start working. But I just got out of a regimented schedule I don't want to go back to having so much of my time spoken for. All I want to do is relax. I've been doing what other people want me to do for years it's time for me to do what I want to do.

I want to sit around on the couch on a Wednesday afternoon just because I feel like it. I want to stay up until 4 AM watching Netflix. I want to travel to different places and meet new people. I want to drink a beer at noon if it pleases me. I want to be free to do nothing. I want to not have somewhere to be.

I'm just sick of all the expectations, you know? Give me a few minutes to breathe before you toss me into the workplace where I'm going to spend the next 40 years flailing away at some stupid 9-to-5. I don't think that's too much to ask.

How can I explain this to people so that they'll understand?

-Finally Free in Bangor

Dear Finally,

Well, first of all, I definitely wouldn't use any of the words that you just did. Those words make you sound like an entitled imbecile who doesn't have the slightest concept of how reality works.

Are you serious with this 'what I want to do' crap? You just got out of college, moron that's the exact time that you should be staying up late and drinking early. This 'regimented schedule' you speak ofthat's what? Five hours on your busiest day? Sure, you had homework and stuff, but come on it's fairly obvious that you're not a worker bee. So sorry that you had to spend so much time getting a college diploma what a hardship!

God forbid that your parents want you to get a job. They're probably sick of paying your Visa bill and terrified that you're going to move back in with them. I'm sure they love you, but they probably aren't interested in financing your slacker delusions. That's right someone has to pay for all that nothing that you want to do. And without a job, it clearly won't be you.

Here's the deal: no matter what you've been told, you are not a precious snowflake. I have no doubt that you believe that you have worked hard enough to earn some sort of respite, but let me inform you that in all likelihood, you have no idea what hard work is. No one who understood the concept would even entertain the kind of nonsense you're spouting.

The world doesn't owe you anything not even for all the precious time that has been so unceremoniously wrested from your life while you apparently wasted it on getting an education that obviously didn't stick.

Seriously, dude shape up before you become a loser in deeds as well as in words.


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