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Ask Todd Parker - May 16, 2012

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Dear Todd Parker,

You probably get tons of messages asking for advice 'for a friend.' This is a little different; the advice is for me, but the beneficiary will be a buddy of mine. My wife, too. Let me explain.

I got married about two months ago. The marriage is great; this isn't about that. This is about the wedding and something that happened.

Three somethings, actually.

We had a pretty swanky reception and people kind of let loose. When you get folks all drunk and charged-up with wedding juju, stuff has the potential to get a bitextreme. One of my groomsmen we'll call him 'Arnold' somehow managed to bed not one, not two, but three of my wife's bridesmaids over the course of the evening.

Ordinarily, this sort of thing would result in a stunned high-five and one more story added to the legend. Unfortunately, Arnold had more of an effect on the ladies than he might have realized. All three of them are expressing interest in romantically pursuing Arnold. None of them have any idea about the assorted shenanigans of the evening their only real connection is through my wife, who has been fielding their emails and phone calls for almost a month now.

It's not technically my problem, but I feel somewhat responsible. What should I do?

Just Married in Bangor

Dear Just Married,

Pretty sure you just wrote the treatment for the sequel to 'Wedding Crashers.'

Let's get this out of the way first that is some impressive work out of good old Arnie. That's a dude who steps up for the big games. Three bridesmaids in one night seems a bit excessive, but there can be no disputing the sheer skill involved in throwing up a hat trick like that. Apparently, his only mistake that night was being too awesome a mistake I myself make far too frequently.

So now it's on your wife (and by extension you) to figure out the next step. It's clear that the three bridesmaids aren't that close to one another; otherwise, Arnie would have been busted long before now. Of course, by this point your wife has clearly figured it all out for herself. She's a good woman if she's falling on this correspondence bullet for you and your buddy.

Arnie needs to man up and make a call. It's been weeks, dude; you need to let go of any obligation you've been feeling regarding the situation. Give him an ultimatum. Say he's got however long a week, let's say to contact these women. If he's into one of them, that's great. If he's not, oh well. He needs to be a grown-up here. If he flakes, give your wife the okay to bust out the nuclear option.

Tell em all and let God sort em out.

It might sound harsh, but it's time to rip off the Band-Aid. These women don't deserve to be jerked around. And Arnie while undeniably awesome in certain respects needs to understand that he can't play fast and loose with the feelings of others. It'll cause some short-term stress, but it'll be worth it when your wife is no longer the creepy Cupid communications director.

Just remember this will be far from the last time you and your wife clean up after your idiot single friends. Get used to it.

Last modified on Thursday, 24 May 2012 01:04

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