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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Ask Todd Parker - June 5, 2013

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Dear Todd Parker,

My husband and I recently moved into a new house. The neighborhood is great. It's usually quiet (aside from the usual kids being kids-type stuff) and everyone who lives nearby has been awesome. We say hello when we pass each other on the street and all that. We've been trying our best to be good neighbors and for the most part, I think we've succeeded.

But we have a secret.

We have a dog that is very particular about where he does his business when we take him for walks. For whatever reason, there are only a few spots where he feels comfortable going to the bathroom. Most of these spots are no problem, but there's one that I feel guilty about.

My husband calls it 'Pooplawn.'

There's one house a few blocks away from ours whose lawn our dog just loves pooping on. Loves it. So much so that he'll sometimes ignore his usual spots just so he can go to this one house and take a dump on their grass. It's almost always at night, so no one ever sees us. Of course, we clean up after him; that's just good dog ownership.

I'm really worried that we're doing something wrong. I don't want these poor people to think that we've got some sort of vendetta against them, but when 10 PM rolls around, sometimes you just want the dog to do his business. 

Are we bad people?

Bathroom Break in Bangor

Dear BBB,

Poor you. You've got a great life and your biggest concern is dog poop. We should all be so lucky. While a question like this is clearly a waste of my time, I've got nothing pressing going right now, so I can probably spare a couple of minutes.

No one wants dogs pooping on their lawns. That's a given; it's the whole reason people take their dogs for walks so they'll st somewhere else. And if some yahoos were dragging their pooch up to my front door so he could crap all over my garden, I'd probably be a bit peevedespecially if they kept on doing it.

However, it does sound like you're at least being responsible about the whole thing. Scooping poop can be unpleasant, but it's good citizenship to do so. Lord knows there are plenty of people in this town who just leave the turds where they fall. They aren't even sorry about it. They just leave it there for the next dog/kid/whatever to come along and play with it or try to eat it. 

It's probably fine; you're doing it under cover of darkness and leaving no trace. But if the owners of stately Pooplawn Manor catch you in the act, you're going to have some explaining to do. As far as assuaging your guilt, I don't know bake them a pie or send them a card or something.

So yeah don't sweat it. Everybody poops, after all. And give that pooch a scratch behind the ears from me. 

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