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Todd Parker Todd Parker
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Ask Todd Parker - Aug. 29, 2012

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Dear Todd Parker,

A really good buddy of mine started dating this girl a couple of months ago. I'd seen her around and stuff, but I didn't really know her that well. It's not like we'd ever really hung out or anything like that. Anyway, my buddy took the plunge and asked her out. All of a sudden, they're dating and now I'm seeing her more and more in a social setting.

She's f---ing terrible.

Todd, I don't even know how to put into words how awful this chick is. She's constantly talking and it's always about herself. She never shuts up. And it's not even interesting stuff about her; hell, I don't think there's anything interesting to be said. She doesn't get our jokes and generally makes gatherings totally awkward.

None of us have any idea what he sees in her. Sure, she's pretty hot, but even the fact that she's attractive takes a back seat to her complete and utter awfulness.

I keep getting asked to hang out with them and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my friend, but if I have to listen to one more stupid f---ing story about a boring event in a boring life involving boring people that I'd rather kill myself than meet, I might go off the deep end.

For the love of God, help me!

- At a Loss in Old Town

Dear Loss,

Get him out of there. Yesterday. Full special forces evac mode.

I've seen it a thousand times before: buddy finds new girlfriend, new girlfriend is terrible, buddy disappears. Bros before hoes? That's a fairy tale and we both know it. There are precious few men out there capable of kicking a hot chick - no matter how repugnant she might be otherwise - to the curb. We are not stone, Loss. We are but fleshsad, lonely flesh.

You've still got to take a shot, though. Rescuing a friend from the clutches of a succubus like that is an extremely difficult and thankless task, but you have to try. Even if you're successful, he's probably going to resent you for it, at least for a while. He's got blinders on right now. All he can see is foxy - all the other crap is secondary.

Of course, if there are no cracks in the armor, you've already lost. If he's not already aware on a subconscious level that his girlfriend sucks, then you're going to have a hell of a time convincing him. If, however, he's not a complete moron, he probably has an inkling.

You can't just come out and say 'Your girlfriend sucks.' Even if he knows, he's going to get defensive if you confront him about it. Being confronted with your st decisions is tough to deal with. So more subtle tactics are required. Try and put the two of them into situations where she can show the world how lame she is. Let her do all the work - if she's as terrible as you say she is, all it'll take is a little steering.

Your devotion to your friend's well-being is admirable. You're the kind of buddy we all hope to be ourselves. Just don't be surprised if he winds up choosing her her boobs are nicer than yours.


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