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Ask Todd Parker - Aug. 1, 2012

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Dear Todd Parker,

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost two years and we've been living together for six months. Up until very recently, everything has been going as smooth as could be. We share a lot of interests and have a lot of mutual friends and have a lot of fun together.

This weekend, we sat down to watch the Olympics (neither one of us is really a sports fan, but we enjoy watching the stories play out). We spent all day lazing on the couch, eating take-out and not really doing much, when all of a sudden she turns to me and says 'Are you happy? Because I don't think I am.'

I'm totally blindsided by this. It doesn't help that when I ask her why she isn't happy, she just kind of shrugs and says something along the lines of 'I'm just not. Can't you feel it?' When I tell her that isn't an answer, she gets defensive and tells me that she knew I wouldn't understand.

I don't know what to do. I really thought everything was great, and now all of a sudden, my relationship is falling apart. How can I get her to tell me what's wrong?

Panicking in Bangor

Dear Moron,

I am ignoring your question in order to climb on my soapbox because I'm sick of answering idiot questions and what are you going to do about it? Time for Todd Parker to lay some editorializing on you:

There is nothing good about the Olympic Games. They suck. You have been tricked.

I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper wearing the crazy magic sunglasses in 'They Live.' I'm the only person who can see the truth while all around me, otherwise lucid, intelligent people start giving a s--t about the arcane gymnastics scoring system and who's going to win the 100-meter butterfly. Hell, whenever one of the 75,000 talking heads that NBC shipped in (seriously, where did all these asshats come from?) drops the word 'synchronized,' I break out in a cold sweat and get the shakes.

For 206 weeks in a row, we don't care about fencing and judo and team handball, then all of a sudden BOOM! It's like, the most important thing, like, ever. Just ask The Incredible Shrinking Bob Costas. Or Ryan Seacrest, who is there for some reason.

NBC has brainwashed you with a never-ending deluge of puff pieces and feel-good stories that have little-to-nothing to do with the actual competition taking place. It's all vanilla blandness and it all sounds the same. It's stupid every single athlete there has made some sort of massive sacrifice to get as far as they have (except maybe Zara Phillips; she's Queen Elizabeth's granddaughter and 12th in line to the throne, so I doubt she overcame much). Why do these particular yahoos deserve to be singled out?

I have no problem with the idea of the Olympics. As a concept an international festival celebrating the wonders of athletics it's great. It's just become so weighed down with commercialization and corruption. Any space the networks can sell has been sold, with everything being sponsored by this or that company. And of course the International Olympic Committee loves it, sitting back with their hands out and getting rich on the backs of 'amateur' athletes.

It's all a bunch of jingoistic nonsense. I refuse to pretend to not be bored by this crap just because the person doing the crap has an American flag on his or her swim cap or codpiece or whatever.

Waitbeach volleyball is on? Forget everything I just said. USA!! USA!!

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