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Tuesday, 19 November 2019 11:35

Celebrity Slam - Much ado about nothing

Written by Allen Adams

If you’re a regular reader of this space, you know that there are certain areas in which we particularly excel. We’re awesome at creating clever and memorable portmanteaux for celebrity couples. We’re awesome at coming up with snarky and derisive commentary about the missteps of famous people. And we’re awesome at exploring the specifics of celebrity beefs.

However, the world of celebrity beef is a surprisingly complex one. It’s all very delicate – an elaborate web of shade being thrown and offense being taken. The rules of discourse have always been complicated, but the introduction of social media has rendered it even more so.

That’s what makes stories like this week’s item so interesting. See, it’s a beef, only it isn’t a beef, because while it started as a beef, it wound up not being a beef at all. Unless it is a beef. But for right now, it does not appear to be a beef, though it’s subsequent beefiness may prove to be beefier than previously beefed.

Get all that? Because we’re not sure that we did.

Tuesday, 19 November 2019 11:34

Weird National Briefs (11/20/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

D’oh! A deer!

WOOSTER, Ohio - A whitetail went retail for a bit this week when it entered a Walmart store in Ohio.

Patrons in Wooster in northeastern Ohio say the deer was kicking shelves as it walked through the store Wednesday afternoon.

Bert and Dawn Moore encountered the deer after stopping in for a few things for dinner. Bert Moore told the Wooster Daily Record he feared the doe was in danger of hurting itself or others.

Moore says he grabbed the deer when it grew tired after slipping on the floor and then lay on it to keep it still.

He, another shopper and store employees helped the animal get out. It disappeared into a field.

TME – Probably left to go to Target.

Tuesday, 12 November 2019 12:12

Celebrity Slam - Celebrity Fight Club

Written by Allen Adams

Here at Celebrity Slam, we relish the opportunity to take shots at people who are far richer and more famous than we will ever be. Feel free to call us haters if you like, because that is absolutely what we are. And, as the story goes, haters gonna hate.

This week’s hating involves two people who are undeniably famous, yet we here at CS have only the vaguest idea of who they are. Feel free to “OK boomer” us up one side and down the other, because for real – we barely have a clue.

Apparently, one of the biggest sporting events of the weekend took place in Las Vegas – a celebrity boxing match between YouTube stars Logan Paul (we kind of know who he is) and KSI (nope – we got nothing).

Of course, just because we don’t know what the deal is doesn’t mean that the world is as ignorant as we are. And make no mistake – these dudes are capital-F Famous. Both men made their names creating videos for YouTube; each has millions of subscribers and billions of followers.

And on Saturday, they fought each other.

Tuesday, 12 November 2019 12:10

Weird National Briefs (11/13/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Footloose

LOGAN, Utah - Police in northern Utah are investigating a shooting in which a 17-year-old boy says a gunshot wound to one of his legs was self-inflicted when his gun accidentally discharged as he danced while intoxicated.

The Deseret-News reports that North Park police say the teen sought treatment at a Logan hospital Oct. 5 and that witnesses told investigators that the shooting happened when the teen got out of a car at an apartment complex and started dancing.

According to police, the teen told officers that the gun was in his sweatshirt pocket.

Police said the youth’s account is plausible but that their investigation into possible firearm and alcohol violations continued Friday.

TME – What do you expect when you bring a gun to a dance fight?

Tuesday, 05 November 2019 11:53

Celebrity Slam - Car trouble

Written by Allen Adams

It may seem like there’s no real rhyme or reason to the way we put things together here at Celebrity Slam, but rest assured – we have a plan. It might not be a thoughtful plan or even a particularly good plan, but it is a plan.

It’s a fairly simple formula, honestly – the severity of the offense is inversely proportional to the fame of the offender. Basically, it means that the more famous a person is, the less outlandish what they said/did needs to be to warrant our notice. However, this means that the reverse is also true – for a person of relatively little fame to capture our attention, their offense has to be really big and/or weird.

If you see someone who isn’t a household name in this space, you better believe that something REALLY strange has gone down.

Guess what you’re getting this week?

Tuesday, 05 November 2019 11:51

Weird National Briefs (11/06/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

CO swinging

BERLIN — Authorities say a swingers’ club in western Germany had to be evacuated mid-party after a carbon monoxide alarm went off and several guests reported feeling unwell.

Tuesday, 29 October 2019 10:17

Celebrity Slam - Wasted Winchester

Written by Allen Adams

Few things make us happier here at Celebrity Slam than a famous person really going for the full big-time experience. They don’t HAVE to say the exact words “Don’t you know who I am?” for us to love it … but it doesn’t hurt.

Our latest entry in this long (LONG) history of celebrity jackholes is Jared Padelecki, one of the stars of the inexplicably long-running CW show “Supernatural” – seriously, this show is so old that it debuted on the WB. But we’re not here to argue the relative merits of Padalecki playing demon-hunting heartthrob Sam Winchester for 14 seasons.

No, we’re here to talk about him getting wasted and fighting folks and, yes, getting up to a little big-timing.

Tuesday, 29 October 2019 10:15

Weird National Briefs (10/30/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Mallard on the move

GARDINER — It looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and — if it gets a prosthetic leg — will once again walk like a duck.

Loni Hamner, of Gardiner, recently adopted a female Mallard duck that was left with one leg and a stump after being attacked by a fox last year. Hamner says the duck she’s named Faith can hop and hobble around, but she wants her “to have a good, duck quality of life and do all the things ducks like to do.”

The Bangor Daily News reports that a query on the Maine Poultry Connection Facebook page led Hamner to the University of Maine Advanced Structure and Composites Center.

Lab manager Paul Bussiere says he’ll create a prosthetic leg for Faith for free in his spare time.

TME – Just a little extra wiggle in her waddle.

Tuesday, 22 October 2019 13:06

Celebrity Slam - J-Lawfully wedded wife

Written by Allen Adams

Obviously, our mission here at Celebrity Slam is to hold forth about our favorite famous folks, hitting them with all the derision and mockery that we can come up with. It’s why this feature exists, and it’s a job we take very seriously.

However, regular readers of this space know that we aren’t ALWAYS making fun of famous people. Sometimes, we go out of our way to celebrate their love – y’all know we love us some celebrity couple portmanteaux.

And sometimes, well … sometimes we get the rare privilege of doing both.

Tuesday, 22 October 2019 13:04

Weird National Briefs (10/23/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Look before you leap

MENOMONIE, Wis. — A BASE jumper who jumped illegally from a northwestern Wisconsin cellphone tower ended up calling the police on himself after his parachute became caught on a guy wire, leaving him dangling perilously 50 feet (15 meters) from the ground.

Police say the 20-year-old man jumped from the 300-foot (90-meter) Charter Communications tower in Menomonie on Thursday morning.

After his rescue at around 9:30 a.m., the man was treated at Mayo Clinic Health System and arrested for criminal trespass.

BASE jumping stands for building, antenna, span and earth — the four common objects from which BASE jumpers launch their descent.

TME – He certainly can’t argue that the charges are BASEless.

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