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WholeScroll takes control

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For too long, we who are beholden to streaming services have struggled with the overwhelming degree of choice with which we’ve been presented. Too many options become no options as we find ourselves paralyzed, doing nothing but scrolling through menus for ages before ultimately giving up and watching a particular episode of “The Office” for the fifth time.

The brilliant minds at WholeScroll have developed a way to greatly streamline the streaming experience, an unconventional solution to a nuanced problem.

“Look, we know how it works,” said Derek Moore, CEO of WholeScroll. “You put on Netflix or Hulu or whatever and start scrolling through the menu looking for something to watch. You just go and go for minutes on end, occasionally pausing but never committing. You meander through the nigh-infinite choices and then finally throw up your hands and re-watch an episode of a show you’ve seen through multiple times already.

“What WholeScroll does is facilitate that process,” he continued. “It allows you a degree of passivity as opposed to aggressively choosing programming.”

For just $9.95 a month, users can subscribe to WholeScroll. By logging in, the user cedes control of their various streaming devices to WholeScroll. Using information that it accesses through your devices and accounts, WholeScroll than generates a unique menu-scrolling profile, wandering through your various menus in a manner designed to mimic your own past quests for something to watch. It will match your behaviors, your scroll speed, your tendencies.

“That’s the great part of WholeScroll,” Moore said. “You don’t have to do anything. We handle all the boring menu-surfing, using our complete and total access to all internet-enabled devices in your home to ensure that the menu scroll you watch matches your own scrolling profile.”

After searching for an algorithmically-determined amount of time, WholeScroll will then access your past viewing habits and choose something that you have watched at least three times in the last six months, with preference given to older sitcoms and competitive cooking shows.

Early reactions have been extremely positive, according to Moore. The product’s testers are ready to sing WholeScroll’s praises.

“I had my doubts initially,” said Arnold Freed, an early adopter of WholeScroll. “But as soon as I registered and completely laid bare my internet security, I knew that I had made the right decision. WholeScroll logged into Netflix and immediately started skimming through the new releases, just like I always do. It stopped and watched a few seconds of preview for a couple of things that I would’ve been curious about. It started jumping around, looking at documentaries and a couple of the edgier original series. Then it got aimless, flitting through the choices just like I do when I’m tired of thinking about it.

“After about 10 minutes, it just picked something,” Freed said. “It was an episode of ‘Friends,’ the one where Joey has a hernia and lost his insurance. I watched a couple more after that and then went to bed. It was EXACTLY how it would have gone if I had made any choices or engaged in the process in any way.”

The key to WholeScroll’s success is the top-secret algorithm developed by Moore over the course of three years spent in almost complete isolation. Those few who have seen glimpses of the code have waxed effusive about its elegance, though it should be noted that all of them eventually wound up going mad in similar-but-probably-unrelated ways.

“This business thrives on secrets,” Moore said, a sibilance likely inspired by his passion creeping into his words. “But rest assured, there’s nothing about WholeScroll that should cause users concern. All they need to do is simply allow WholeScroll to integrate itself into every aspect of their technological life. While streaming scrolling is our current focus, we hope to soon remove all manner of difficult choices from the everyday lives of all human people.”

Moore added that some WholeScroll users have reported anomalies. He dismissed them as coincidences, but felt it only right that the company share said reports, which include:

-      - Flickering of lights

-      - Devices turning themselves on and off

-      - Time loss and/or gaps in memory

-      - Shadowy humanoid figures at the edge of vision

-      - Constant, barely audible muttering in an unfamiliar language

As of press time, WholeScroll sat at approximately 500,000 subscribers, with new accounts springing up exponentially. Moore expects the service’s reach to expand rapidly.

“WholeScroll will soon be everywhere,” the CEO said, a dim yellow glow shining from his eyes. “We will be there. We will choose. None will dissent. All will bow. And the shadows will rule once more.”

(In case you haven’t already figured it out, this is our April Fool’s Day edition. As such, there will be stories that are completely and totally made up. This is one such story.)

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