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The Dark Door

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A record of discovering Minecraft hell

Jan. 12, 2012: It's impressive, and that's about all we know at this point. About 10 feet tall, five feet wide, and completely immobile. It's like a brand-new Stonehenge, except in this desolate location, it doesn't seem like this was used as a worship location. Maybe a guru-esque retreat? Don't know at this point, but this is definitely going to be our home until we do figure it out.

Feb. 15, 2012: Ate our last steak today. Looks like apples are on the menu for the long-foreseeable future. I'd strangle an Enderman for a decent porkchop. Still no noticeable progress on the 'portal,' as we've taken to calling it. It's just a hollow doorway to nowhere. Part of me is wishing I was still punching trees at my dad's business back home, but no, sir, I had to be adventurous. Some adventure. I'll go down in history as the man that led an expedition to stare at a door.Feb. 18, 2012: Sometimes luck is a funny mistress. After all of my other expenses, I only had enough to hire a couple of second-rate assistants. First one I found was Cary, a bright young fella, but has tendency to run off on his own, claiming to have an incredible ideas to support his wanderlust. Just the other day, we had to save him after he wandered into a desert. Found him clutching a cactus like a baby, saying it was 'the beginning of a beautiful deathtrap.'And then there's Weeks.I found Weeks in the streets of Spawncity, holding a sign saying 'lost pie, will work for cake.' Being incredibly low on cash, I asked him how he felt about going on an adventure. He jumped up, threw his arms around me, and whispered very sweetly in my ear that I was his favorite 'broomhilda.' Strong as a bloody ox, though. I think it's the Creator's way of evening things out.

But that moron is the only reason we have some sort of forward motion on this incredible archeological find.Weeks was messing about with flint and steel, attempting to cook a paltry mixture of sugar cane, dirt, and various flowers (he was incredibly excited about his 'cake'). While striking the flint, his hand slipped and the steel popped out of his hand, skidding across the bottom of the portal. As soon as that spark lit, the entire portal frame exploded with a purplish energy.

That dirt-munching dunce just found a doorway to another world. Screw this PhD. I should have just drank my way through college.

Feb. 25, 2012: Cary and I have spent the last week running every possible test on the portal. There's no radiation emitting from it, nothing's come out of it, but it does put off quite a bit of heat. We've had Weeks gathering iron for armor to guard us during our inevitable expedition into this otherworld. He's as good at blacksmithing as he is bad at cooking, so I have no qualms about the quality of his work. Speaking of Weeks, his tenuous grasp on reality has seemed to be ever weaker since the portal opened. He's been sleeping very close to it. I asked him why and he simply replied: 'The people-pigs sing me to sleep.' Nonsense. Absolute nonsense.

March 2, 2012: We're ready, or as ready as we're going to be. We're fully armored, armed and provisioned, and we're going into the portal tomorrow. Creator speed our expedition. This is it.Oct. 20, 2017: This are Weex. Went in shiny door many, many times ago. So much fire, fire, fire. Perfesser say we bring back blocks of firebrick and firedirtt. When we dig things up, people-pigs visited us, singing such pretty song. Karry was scared and hit people-pigs with his sharp stick. People-pigs not understand word 'sorry.' I told the people-pigs over and over that we was scared, but they screamed and hit me and hit me and hit me. I ran and hid, for many, many times. I talked to my pickaxe, and he told me to be brave. I ran back to the shiny door with the people-pigs chasing me. I falled out in my old world. This word box says it's not same time that we left.

The people-pigs don't sing now. Weex so lonely.

Aaron Waite has done a barrel roll in Dodge Caravan.' Thanks a bunch, Peppy.


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