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Aaron Waite Aaron Waite
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Bad Internet! No Biscuit!

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An information addict's retort

Feeding information into my noggin is one of my greatest motivations for waking up in the morning. If I made a list of such motivations, it would be about third on the list, sitting underneath 1: making my wife laugh and 2: driving my wife insane, and just above pondering the logistics of genetically altering pigs to fly. 

Seriously, bacon airlines. Who's ever thought of it? This guy. Gigantic pigs the size of 757s, and when they can't carry people anymore, we make a humongous platter of bacon, give it to Denny's at just above market price based on the fact that people would pay dollars of dollars to eat formerly flying bacon. I'd be a thousandaire.

Frick, went off on a tangent again, didn't I? Sorry, back to the chorus we go.

Here's the deal, though: Monday through Friday, the internet is a source of joy and happiness as everything updates at a torrid pace, and Brain gets to be stimulated, gorging on the hundreds of RSS feed tickers, and all that wonderful new information. It pleases me, it enlightens me, and I feel like I'm connected with the world around me. Heck, even Facebook gets updated at a steady pace with the very, very few people that I've let past the mighty Unfollow. Seriously, if you haven't used Unfollow on all of the people that drive you nuts but you feel obligated to be friends with, just unfollow them. It's like adding butter to toast and then sprinkling a whole lot of AWESOME on that poor piece of toast.

Crap. Tangent. Trying again.

But on the weekends, when I actually have time to read and absorb stuff, it seems like the internet just shuts down, powers down like a giant information robot that can save all of creation with its Info-vision, but refuses to because he's tired of saving the tiny humans that cry out with their tiny, squishy voices from their tiny, squishy bodies. News sites sleep late, rub their eyes, and then go back to sleep, heedless of my MIGHTY NEED to dine upon the fruits of their labors. So why the Helsinki aren't they laboring!?

The internet becomes boring during the only time that the traditional 9-to-5er has free time to hightail it down its informational highway. I can view a day's worth of posts on one page, and most of it is just reposts.

Internet, get your act together and feed my addiction to information. You are no longer allowed to sleep on the weekends, you will not pass GO, and you most certainly will not collect $200. I need to you to make a gorgeous array of new posts for me to feast upon.
Internet, until you make my weekends non-boring, you are grounded. That's no 4Chan, that's no YouTube and most certainly no Twitter.

I just looked up and realized I wrote an entire article admonishing the Internet for not having enough content. I think I'm gonna go read a book. Or go off on a tangent. I like tangents.

Whoever is pirating 'The Bourne Ultimatum' on Aaron Waite's network, stahp it. Staph it now.


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