The other day I was having my hair relaxed. It's a long story with an even longer history, but the long and short of it is, I needed a relaxer. Limp and lifeless in August, I decided to give my hair a body perm at the end of the summer. Half way through this winter, I started to resemble a poodle who had stuck her paw in a light socket. As you can imagine, this particular style didn't especially become me.

Anyway, after I had the bonds in my hair broken and reforged by a lovely hair elf, I came back out to the front of the salon for my blow out. Though hard to pry my eyes away from my recently-relaxed reflection, I glanced at the chair beside me and froze in mid blow. There he was, my third grade Sunday school teacher, getting his hair did. 

Dear Todd Parker,

I've recently started dating a woman and things are going pretty well. We've gone out a bunch of times and everything seems to be clicking. We like a lot of the same stuff, she enjoys my friends, I enjoy her friends it's all good. I just have one question. It might sound stupid, but I've devoted a lot of time to it. I've lost all objectivity at this point, so I'm asking you.

How long do I have to wait before I fart in front of her?

I kind of can't believe that I'm asking such a ridiculous question, but I'm nervous about it. What if we're sitting on the couch and I accidentally let one rip and she's totally disgusted by it? What if it just grosses her out? It's not like I can just say 'Hey, so what are your feelings about farts?' because that's weird.