Dear Todd Parker,

When my kid was born, I was convinced that I would be a terrible father. I figured that I was an irresponsible punk; how was I going to raise a decent human being. Only it turns out that I'm pretty good at it. My wife and I have had a pretty good run of it.

But now the moment I've been dreading has arrived.

Dear Todd Parker,

A friend of mine started dating this girl a couple of months ago. I had seen her around and stuff, but we'd never really hung out or anything like that. Just one of those familiar faces you see out and about; none of us really knew much about her. So my buddy starts dating her and now I'm seeing her more and more in a social setting. 

And she's awful.

Dear Todd Parker,

Ever have one of those moments when you learn something about yourself and you wish you hadn't?

There's this guy that I know from back in the day. We aren't all that close anymore, although we still talk every once in a great while. He's always been a pretty good dude, but not the kind of guy you would think would be destined for great things.

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm currently going through some pretty serious stuff in my social life; it's like nothing in my world makes any sense anymore. My whole life has been turned into a circus. I don't know if there's anyone left I can trust except you.

So I met this girl online. She was really cute and seemed super nice. We started chatting online through stuff like Facebook and Twitter. It was like she liked me for me, you know what I'm saying? From there, we started talking on the phone every once in a while. We hadn't met yet or anything, but we both have really busy schedules with school and everything, so I totally understood.

Dear Todd Parker,

A buddy and I have been debating something for a while now and I thought it was something that you might have an interesting take on.

We have this mutual friend. Call him Jeff. A couple of years ago, Jeff dated this girl for about six months. They broke up, but they still liked each other afterward. No hard feelings or anything. They both moved on from there. A couple of months after they ended things, Jeff met his current girlfriend and they're very happy.

Dear Todd Parker,

I have something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now, and I was hoping to get your opinion on the subject.

Why do girls have such a problem with farting?

Me and my friends, we think farts are hilarious. Always. Doesn't matter the context or the situation. When we hear that sound, we laugh. But girls don't find them nearly as amusing as we do. They wrinkle their noses and call us disgusting or whatever. They basically act like they don't fart, even though they do. Everybody farts, right?

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm in love. I haven't been seeing this girl for very long, but everything about her seems perfect for me. She's smart and funny, plus she's super hot. She likes a lot of the same things that I like, and we always have a good time when we go out together. So yeah, like I said, she seems perfect. There's just one little problem.

It's her cats.

Dear Todd Parker,

What is it with the kids today?

I've been working in education for the past six years, primarily at the middle and high school levels. I got the job right out of college, so I'm still young enough that I occasionally get misidentified as a student in the high school hallways. I always thought that I'd be able to maintain some level of connection with the stuff the kids are into.

Dear Todd Parker,

I need to preface this by saying that I have no problem with kids. I like kids; sure, they can be a little irritating when they're running around and screaming and all that, but most of the children in my neighborhood are really nice, respectful kids. Besides, I understand that mischief is part of the package. Kids get up to stuff. I get it.

But there's such a thing as too far.

Dear Todd Parker,

A really good buddy of mine started dating this girl a couple of months ago. I'd seen her around and stuff, but I didn't really know her that well. It's not like we'd ever really hung out or anything like that. Anyway, my buddy took the plunge and asked her out. All of a sudden, they're dating and now I'm seeing her more and more in a social setting.

She's f---ing terrible.