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Emily Morrison Emily Morrison
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What women over 30 dare not wear...

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What women over 30 dare not wear... What women over 30 dare not wear...

We live in a world that prizes fashion and beauty. When we look good, we feel good. That's easy enough to understand. What isn't so easy to understand are the lengths that some women will go to in order to keep looking good. So much has been said about the perils of plastic surgery, botox, colon cleanses, juice diets and insane exercise regimens, there's no need to reiterate how detrimental these approaches are to women's sense of self. So let's be absolutely ridiculous for a moment and focus solely on the fashion of women over 30.  Consider these five items of apparel that do not 'still look good' after decade number three. 

  1. 1.Jeggings:  Now come on, ladies. Unless you're getting ready to go to the fair with your BFF, you should not be torn between jeans and leggings. You can wear jeans, or you can wear leggings (as long as you wear something over the leggings). Wearing jeggings over 30 is like saying, 'I'm going through a quarter life crisis right now and wish I could just go back to gym class and flirt with the beefcake flexing his muscles in the weight room.' Do you really need to outline every curve on your frame with faux denim to feel feminine? Instead of looking edgy and complicated, jeggings make a woman over 30 look like she's headed to the skateboard park with her equally confused skater dude. 
  1. 2.Tube tops: Headed to the beach? No? Going to a raging concert to do keg stands all night? Not even close? Then why are you wearing a tube top, girrrlfriend? Think about this one. Disaster is not far beneath the flimsy frock you think you're rockin.' First of all, this shirt (if you can call it that) has Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction written all over it. Unless you want what's inside to slip outside, why in the world would you wear what amounts to an elastic around your ta-tas? Even if you have a bust size to rival Dolly's, your tube will not stay on top for long. There's slippage and slidage and overall embarrassment lying in wait for all who dare to wear a tube for a top. 
  1. 3.Mini skirts: Take the tube top and move it south same problem. When you were in your teens, heck, even 20s, you might have been able to pull this off. Pregnancy hadn't given you varicose veins yet and kids hadn't slowed down the rate at which you shaved your legs. So let's get real. If you're wearing a mini skirt, you can't move. You can't bend over to pick up the trash or the pen or the eyeliner pencil you just dropped. You can't take more than a two inch step, and forget about climbing stairs that's a bad move all around. How many women do you know who can afford not to move all day long? Exactly. Leave the mini skirts to the Kardashian sisters matches the size of their mini-minds.
  1. 4.Booty shorts: Do we need to say more? They're called booty shorts for a reason all the emphasis is on your booty. There are precious few people who can draw this kind of attention south of the equator and pull it off: Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Gardner, any celebrity named Jennifer apparently. For the rest of us mortals, you don't want to walk around with all the junk in your trunk hanging out. And here's another precious tip: if you do dare to wear booty shorts, certainly do not add to the mistake by wearing a billboard on your backside. Do you really need to have the word 'booty' (or any other catchy phrase) written across your butt? Unless you have an elite job as a walking advertisement (the naked cowboy in Time Square, for instance), do us all a favor and refrain from plastering one word over two cheeks.
  1. 5.Hoochie boots: Let's be clear on what constitutes hoochie boots: Any boot that climbs the calf like a skyscraper and comes to a halt around a six inch hoochie heel. You may be thinking, 'Julia Roberts wore hoochie boots in Pretty Woman, so why can't I?' Good question. Remember what character Julia Roberts was playing in the movie? There's your answer. She was a hookah, a lady of the night, a hat-wearing, gum-chewing street walker with style and hoochie boots. Sure, the boots were also functional. She could keep cash, prophylactics, even floss in her foot wear, but here's the thing. If you wear shoes that make you look like you're selling yourself, let's say, to the PTA meeting or your kid's soccer match, you're making the wrong statement. Way wrong.

So what can you wear if you are over 30 and don't want to resemble a girl on her way to gym class, the fair, the beach or the street? Anything that looks good on you and that is age appropriate. Little black dress? Put it on. T-shirt dress, tight jeans, tank tops do it up. Just ask yourself one question before you head out: would this outfit embarrass my children if they were seen with me? Then wear it anyway. It's not like they haven't embarrassed you a time or two. 

Last modified on Tuesday, 27 August 2013 22:45


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