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Selectman Sasquatch

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Bigfoot wins office in small northern Maine town

ST. POMME DE TERRE Big things are afoot in one tiny northern Maine town.

The ever-elusive cryptozoological phenomenon known colloquially as Bigfoot has revealed itself to the population of the sparsely-populated village of St. Pomme de Terre, nestled away deep in the woods of northwestern Aroostook County.

This alone would be staggering enough, but it is the once-thought-mythical man-beast's reasoning for self-revelation that makes this story truly astonishing. You see, Bigfoot came out of hiding for one reason and one reason only: he wanted to run for town selectman. So he did.

And he won.

'Sure, it was a little scary at first,' said longtime resident Mark Pelletier. 'I mean, there's an eight-foot-tall man-ape wandering down the street in the middle of town. Who wouldn't be scared? And when he went into the town office, well I was sure that there was some trouble brewing.'

But it turned out that Bigfoot just wanted the paperwork that would allow him to run for office in the town. Before long, the hulking creature was a commonplace sight on the streets of St. Pomme de Terre, going door to door collecting signatures to gain a spot on the ballot. He also became a regular at the local caf, a small space tucked in the back of the Irving station.

'Bigfoot? Hell of a nice fella,' said Wanda Arsenault, who has been waiting tables at the caf for the past 15 years. 'A bit whiffy, if you follow me smells kinda like an old damp bathmat but that isn't his fault. Can't help how we're made.

'And he's just about the most polite giant missing link you could ever hope to meet. He never orders anything not much of a talker, is Bigfoot but you can tell he's just taking it all in while he sits there.'

While the town of 107 usually has municipal elections in November, the citizens held an informal town meeting in mid-February informal, but with 100 percent attendance - and decided that if Bigfoot was willing to go to all this trouble, maybe they should just go ahead and move up Election Day. The motion passed unanimously.

'We're not much for outsiders around here,' said Pelletier, 'but then we figured that Bigfoot wasn't no outsider. Hell, he's probably been living here longer than any of us.'

And so it was that on March 5, St. Pomme de Terre residents elected Bigfoot to their board of selectmen, where he took a seat that had been vacant since the retirement of local businessman Barney Myers back in December. The large-pawed primate won with an astounding 106 votes out of 107 cast.

Bigfoot's opponent on the ballot was Michael Renard.

'Honestly, I don't know who voted for me,' said Renard. 'Maybe my mother? Heck, even I voted for the big galoot. Sure, he isn't much for, you know, words and such, but judging by his grunts, he's going to make a fine selectman for this town.'

Thus far, it is unclear what Bigfoot plans to do with his new position, but the general consensus is that it was time for a change in St. Pomme de Terre. 

big change.

WEB EDITOR'S NOTE: The article appreaed as part of our April Fools Day edition. We can assure you that it is not real. I have it on good authority that Bigfoot has no interest in politics, be them local or national. He is as Libertarian as it gets.


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