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Putin’s pastry porn past exposed

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Insiders say it’s only a matter of time before the Russian population at large learns a truly disturbing secret about their president that could soon send the Kremlin crumbling.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was once involved in the former Soviet Union’s adult film industry, but we’re not talking conventional copulation here.

Putin, a former KGB killer and the current murderous thug responsible for the deaths of innocent Ukranian civilians, specialized in a bizarre form of food-related pornography, so says a source who claims to have witnessed some of Putin’s most bizarre filth.

Our source is a retired Russian entertainment promoter who currently lives in Canada and claims to have operated cameras for a Russian porn company from 1969 to 1972. He says food-related porn was (and probably still is) considered an industry niche but that it was Putin’s primary fetish and the money he made from it helped pay his student debts at Leningrad State University in 1970 and 1971.

“Pies, cakes and cobblers were his favorite partners, but he would try to have sex with almost any kind of food, including a halibut,” the source said.

The porn company, once located near the north shore of the Black Sea, is long gone along with all of its assets, our source said, adding that it was Putin’s first order of business after he joined the KGB in 1975 to wipe out any record of the company after he killed its owners and employees.

“He knew his KGB position would be threatened if they found out,” our source said, adding he had quit working for the company in 1973 after experiencing a series of creative differences with the director of “Whores for Billy.”

Just how weird did Putin get during his food porn years? Our source remembers Putin once threatened his life after he’d brought out a cake that had cooled to room temperature.

“Vlad hated sitting in cool cakes and always insisted that we heat them up between takes,” he said. “Hot fruit or meat pies were Putin’s favorites because the filling would retain the heat which would cause him great pain as he lowered himself into it. Tears would stream down his face, but he would smile and make these horrible groans of pleasure as he squished into it.”

Putin may have preferred to get it on with fresh baked goods, but he didn’t stop there according to our source.

“He would sometimes bring his own food items for us to heat such as an eggplant, a watermelon or a bowl of dumplings,” our source said. “But the halibut was a bridge too far. It was a whole 40-pound fish that had been dead for at least a week. The director refused to film the action so Putin shot him dead. I nervously agreed to film it, but it was never released; I still have this canister of film locked away in a safe.”

It is believed to be the only surviving evidence of Putin’s depraved food-focused fornication.

What would happen if that film somehow made it to a sympathetic source inside Russian state-run television? Our source claims to be currently working that angle through intermediary channels.

“Vlad has always been a little man,” our source said. “It is my vision that soon everyone in Russia will know just how tiny he really is.”

(As you’ve undoubtedly figured out, this is our April Fools Day edition. Much of this story is completely and utterly made up for our – and hopefully your – amusement.)

Last modified on Wednesday, 30 March 2022 07:59

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