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Lawsuit looms in Bigfoot docuseries scandal

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ST. POMME DE TERRE – For a small town nestled away in amidst the forests and potato fields of northwestern Aroostook County, the hamlet of St. Pomme de Terre sure does see some big drama, usually driven by the massive hairiness and sharp business savvy of its most famous resident, Bigfoot.

The former selectman and current footwear entrepreneur has found himself in the spotlight once again, albeit reluctantly.

Bigfoot has retained counsel and filed suit against beloved indie production icons the Duplass Brothers, claiming that their upcoming docuseries – “Sasquatch,” a three-part series scheduled to drop on April 20 – is defamatory to him and his cryptid brethren. According to his lawyer, Bigfoot is seeking a cease and desist on the airing of the program, as well as punitive damages in the area of $100 million.

St. Pomme de Terre’s best (and only) lawyer is Joshua Sagers, who didn’t need long to accept when Bigfoot approached him about taking the case.

“When he first came to me, roaring and growling, it was all I could do to try and get him to calm down,” said Sagers. “He just kept stomping and snarling around my office. It was clear that the idea of this so-called ‘docuseries’ was really causing him a lot of distress. He’s usually such a calm, collected, almost stoic figure. So for him to be having like this, well – you knew it was something big.

“Besides, it’s Bigfoot,” he continued. “He helps so many. How could I not return the favor?”

It’s unclear just how Bigfoot – who gently declined overtures to be interviewed for this story, due to concerns about negatively impacting his case – gained access to the series so far ahead of its official release date. However, according to court filings, his knowledge of the intricacies of the show is so complete as to be undeniable.

At least one St. Pomme de Terre resident claims to have watched at least some of the show alongside Bigfoot.

“Oh yeah, we definitely fired up that first episode,” said local marijuana enthusiast Jeffrey Thompkins. “Me and Bigfoot always hang out when I get high. Just me though – Bigfoot doesn’t touch the stuff. I think it makes him paranoid. Anyway, yeah … that was some bulls—t about Sasquatches and whatnot.”

The specifics of the lawsuit remain under wraps for the time being. There are rumors that there is a discriminatory component to the defamation claim – specifically, that the series uses names like “Sasquatch” and “Bigfoot” interchangeably, negating the man-apes’ rights to individuality and painting them all with the same broad brush. We have also heard that a significant factor in Bigfoot’s protestations is the simple fact that not a single Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti or other cryptid was interviewed as part of the series.

“If the Duplass so-called Brothers REALLY wanted to present a factual, even-handed piece of work, they could have easily found an interviewee,” said Kenneth Calloway, St. Pomme de Terre’s resident historian. “There are plenty of intelligently shaggy alpha primates out there to engage with. Heck, Bigfoot would have done it! That guy ALWAYS embraces the chance to do something for his community. But to make this whole show absent this vital perspective? Disingenuous and shoddy and best, downright malicious at worst.”

Bigfoot seems to lean toward the latter interpretation.

Meanwhile, Mark and Jay Duplass could not be reached for comment because I couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to figure out which of their many mansions or megayachts was currently housing them, and anyway, who are you going to believe? The hotshot indie fatcats, with their making stuff and empowering creators? Or Bigfoot? A simple choice, really.

Hulu could not be reached for comment because I have been remanded to a “nuisance list” due to my “unhinged and never-ending deluge” of “crackpot demands” regarding the too-soon cancellation and unresolved cliffhanger of “Light as a Feather.” But again – who are you going to believe? Right again – Bigfoot.

As always, the residents of St. Pomme de Terre stand loyally behind their seven-foot friend, willing to do whatever they can to help the mythical beast who loves the town just as much as they do.

As of press time, the suit continues to move forward, though there are whispers that a settlement is not out of the question.

(On the off chance that you haven’t already figured it out, this is our April Fools’ Day edition. As such, there will be stories that are completely and totally made up. The preceding was one such story.)

Last modified on Tuesday, 30 March 2021 18:29

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