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Icebreaking operation more than meets the eye?

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In this undated file photo, the Coast Guard icebreaker Thunder Bay breaks up ice on the Penobscot River. As a recent investigation revealed, the ice-breaking operation is not what it appears - there is an alleged top secret government operation behind it. In this undated file photo, the Coast Guard icebreaker Thunder Bay breaks up ice on the Penobscot River. As a recent investigation revealed, the ice-breaking operation is not what it appears - there is an alleged top secret government operation behind it. (edge file photo)

BREWER – Earlier this month, area residents watched as the U.S. Coast Guard cutters Thunder Bay and Shackle worked their way up and down the Penobscot River, carving through the ice in an effort to open up the river following a long winter.

According to official spokespeople, the annual operation is executed to help prevent inland flooding; the ice is broken up and allowed to flow downstream. It winds up in the ocean rather than city parking lots and basements when the spring thaw arrives in earnest.

But is that REALLY why they’re doing it?

For years, there have been rumblings that perhaps the presence of the icebreakers has some deeper meaning and that the flood prevention aspect of their work is simply a cover, a happily effective coincidence that permits them to undertake their actual mission unhindered and beyond suspicion.

But now, The Maine Edge has found someone willing to speak the truth about what’s going on. Be warned, however – this truth will be difficult to hear and harder to believe.

(Our insider has asked not to be identified by their real name, lest they suffer consequences for revealing these secrets. We’ll call them Alex. Please note that our crack team here has thoroughly vetted this person; there is no doubt that they are who they told us they are.)

Alex met this reporter the usual way – via mysterious text message telling them where to await pickup. Alex was then blindfolded and transported (via at least two different forms of transportation) to the TME Journalism Bunker, buried deep in the earth in an undisclosed location.

“Initially, yes, the icebreaking was about clearing the river and nothing more,” said Alex. “And even now, it remains a valuable service to the riverside communities, helping to prevent what can potentially be significant flooding. But that changed forever about 30 years ago.”

The change, according to Alex, came when whispers of the unbelievable started to circulate.

“At first, it was just standard weird rumors,” Alex said. “I wasn’t around at the beginning, but you still find an old-timer here or there who remembers. Most of them say that they heard things, but stuff like that was always floating around. It was a way to pass the time.”

Only this time, the rumors weren’t treated as rumors. It wasn’t long before suspiciously high-ranking officials were showing up unannounced for meetings at some of Maine’s Coast Guard facilities. But while everyone thought they had an idea about what was going on, the truth was far stranger.

Turns out that some very important people believed that some extremely valuable technology was resting somewhere along the riverbed of the Penobscot River. Advanced technology that came from somewhere as yet undetermined. Somewhere … or somewhen.

“Basically, Operation Spring Breakout has been an unprecedentedly thorough salvage mission for the past quarter-century,” said Alex. “These cutters make their way up and down the river, mapping every inch of the bottom in minute detail, searching for the faint telltale signals indicating the presence of targeted tech.

“The hits are rare, but they do happen. I’ve actually seen a piece or two over the years; tough to articulate without giving myself away, but I can tell you that it’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Like, you look at it and you know that it’s not from here.”

As for what this technology actually is, where it came from or what it does, Alex can only speculate.

“It’s above-top-secret stuff, as far as that goes,” they said. “Only the top top brass are in the loop. But there’s two prevailing theories. One is that it’s extraterrestrial in nature, alien technology that somehow got left behind during a visit sometime in the past. The other is that it’s from the future, tech that was brought here by time travelers and that stayed here when they left.”

Asked which one they believed, Alex shrugged.

“I don’t think it matters,” they said. “All I know is that very powerful people are very interested in having it and keeping it a secret. And really, if either of those stories are true, I think it would be important for people to know. Aliens? People from the future? That’s paradigm-shattering stuff. And who knows? That technology could hold untold secrets that could result in a quantum leap forward for society.”

That concluded our interview; we returned Alex to their starting point through the maze-like series of pneumatic tubes emanating from the Journalism Bunker. It should be noted that subsequent attempts to follow up were ignored and that the operation ceased soon after this interview was conducted.

Some might argue that it was because the ice was broken up and that would be a logical time to stop and also question why you are rambling about the Coast Guard and alien technology in the Penobscot River. However, we believe that the powers that be panicked after learning that the crack team at The Maine Edge was onto them.

We are here to pull these not-at-all-outlandish-or-made-up secrets from the shadows. We are here to shine a light on the totally-true-and-not-manufactured stories that otherwise won’t be seen. We are here.

Journalism!

(In case you haven’t already figured it out, this is our April Fools’ Day edition. As such, there will be stories that are completely and totally made up. This is one such story.)

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