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The Sports Edge - The Ballad of Theo

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(With sincere apologies to anyone with actual poetic talent.)

When you first took the Sox job,

You were barely out of school.

The youngest GM ever,

Compared to Dan Douquette, you were too cool.

You always dreamed big,

Really shooting for the moon.

Your team almost made the series in '03,

Until that Aaron Freakin' Boone.

'No worries!' you proclaimed,

Next year I'll build a Worlds Series winner!

Your masterful plan included

Wooing Curt Schilling over dinner.

You also booted Chicken Little

Who watched Game 7 in a coma.

Leaving Pedro on the hill

Meant bye by Grady- hello Francona.

Sure Theo, you're smart

But bright enough to outwit the curse?

We all now know that answer,

In only two seasons, the curse you reversed!

Next year your boys made the playoffs

In '05 but lost to the sox of white.

The next year no post season

And you snuck off as a gorilla into the night.

The Sox got you back and you added

Beckett, Lowell and unwatchable Dice Kay.

And of course the bums Lugo and Drew

But the team still went all the way.

Red Sox nation was rolling

And an ALCS in '08 gave you true rock star fame.

But since that game 7 loss to Tampa

Bastion has not won a post season game.

To find a cure for that problem

You dug deep and spent John Henry's bucks.

But you over spent for duds like Lackey and Crawford

And the result, well, flat out sucks.

Your last month at the helm

We'll Red Sox Nation will always remember.

The biggest collapse of any team

Blowing a nine-game lead in September.

When the going got tough,

Well, you sure got going.

To the Cubbies you have fled

In the city where the wind is always blowing

A World Series win with the Cubs

You know will end the debate,

And crown you the greatest GM ever

It'll be the Cubs first title since 1908.

Theo, thanks for the memories

And enjoy your new address.

But be clear now that you've gone

You're still responsible for this Red Sox mess.


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