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Google: Threat or Menace?

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The continuing search for the truth about the search engine

Longtime readers of The Maine Edge might recall our explosive expose from eight years ago regarding the shadowy cabal behind Google. Through that story, we were able to reveal the names of those who were the true power behind the throne.

Obviously, we all have a connection to Google. It is the most popular internet search engine on the planet, after all. However, the power that their unprecedented access to modern man's trends of thought gives them is truly astonishing. Of course, it is unquestionably a wonderfully useful tool we noted that eight years ago and the company's reach has expanded exponentially since that time.

Before we offer the updated status of the Google cabal, we should probably offer you a baseline primer on the investigation as it stood eight years ago (as you might imagine, Google isn't keen on their secrets being broadcast to the world; therefore, an internet search for that first story would prove fruitless (unless you wanted to use Bing, but we both know you're not going to do that)):

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The name Google derives from the mathematical term 'googol,' which is basically the number 1 followed by 100 zeroes. By naming their company thus, the founders of Google imply that their site offers a huge number of links to various information options. Plus, it's got a nice ring to it. But is that all there is to it?

It has been revealed through painstaking research and more than a little luck on the part of TME - that the cutesy number-derived name is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Your 'friends' at Google have a much more covert and perhaps sinister - agenda.

'Google' is in reality an acronym: 'Grand Order Of Global Leadership Elite.' This particular shadowy secret society has been around for centuries, but has only now begun to surface, as the dominoes have begun to fall and allow their master plan to begin taking effect. Sensing the dynamic nature of the United States, the Order moved their headquarters from Vienna to San Francisco sometime around 1850.

Since the group's inception in 1623, the leadership council of Google has consisted of seven members, each chosen at birth and steered to positions of prominence by carefully placed 'googlites,' who serve as sleeper agents and indoctrinators at the councils behest. Past councilmen include such luminaries as Miles Standish, Voltaire and Henry Winkler.

The goal of this sinister cabal is simple. Google has been working behind the scenes over the centuries, striving to control the planetary flow of information, for one explicit purpose. They want to keep us from discovering the biggest cover-up in global history.

Turns out, the world really is flat. Flatter than flat. Just a big floating circle. Every piece of evidence to the contrary has been manufactured. Every tale of circumnavigation has been a combination of confusion, forgery and outright lies, from Magellan on down. Every photograph of the Earth from space has been doctored.

This basic truth is one from which many others have sprung; if people were to realize that their assumptions about the shape of their planet have been wrong, what other assumptions might they begin to question? NASA, the FAA, the scientific community - all are unknowing (or uncaring) pawns of Google.

The ultimate goal is for the truth to come out in a dramatic revelation on the 400th anniversary of the Order's inception. On that day, worldwide chaos and confusion will ensue. The energy released will be harnessed by the council in order for all current and former members of Google to achieve transcendental illumination and depart this plane of existence for their new home in the eighth dimension.

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Got all that? Yes, it sounds insane, the feverish ravings of a technology-addled madman. Not even the hardened journalists here at TME wanted to believe it, but the preponderance of evidence is simply undeniable. Google's Council of Seven is real. Its makeup has changed significantly in the past eight years, but its existence cannot be disputed.

Indeed, the Council roster we uncovered in our more recent investigations is much different than the one we discovered back in 2008. Liza Minnelli and Chuck Norris were both Council members back then, but they seem to have been eased out of their power positions; there's no indication of any sort of coup, so we can probably assume that the transition was peaceful.

In addition, the enigmatic and reclusive Howard Hughes, who faked his death back in 1976 so that he might further entrench himself into Council business. Up until three years ago, Hughes had spent his life in the Google bunker 100 feet beneath the Golden Gate Bridge. According to our sources, Hughes was the lead engineer behind a secret space mission; despite being 106 at the time, Hughes also demanded to lead the likely one-way expedition. Contact was lost 18 months ago and his current whereabouts are unknown.

The status of the other presumed-dead Council member Tupac Shakur seems to be a bit of a sore subject. Information regarding Shakur's departure is spotty, but it appears that he grew weary of the convoluted ways of Google. There are even rumors to the effect that he was going to reveal the whole enterprise, but chose instead to simply walk away. He remains hard at work on his magnum opus in his secret compound.

Finally, the Council's former chairman William Shatner chose to retire from his position so that he might explore some of his own more esoteric interests. It's unclear just what avenues he's choosing to venture down, though some whisper of occult leanings. Others say he's researching the lost work of Wilhelm Reich. Regardless, he is no longer directly involved with day-to-day Council operations, though he still operates in an advisory capacity a sort of councilman emeritus.

Those members of the Council who remain in their seats:

Tom Brady (Chairman) - NFL quarterback: In 2008, Brady was very much a junior member of the Council. In the years that followed, however, the quarterback really grew into his role. In fact, his devotion was such that he allowed his performance on the field to ebb, leading to a bit of a Super Bowl championship drought for his team. He re-devoted himself to football, but on the way to the Lombardi Trophy, an unknown enemy created the circumstances that led to DeflateGate. Brady though completely innocent was forced to destroy his cellphone to keep the world from seeing evidence of his involvement with the Council. His willingness to fall on his sword showed a degree of loyalty that convinced his fellow council members to elevate Brady to the chairmanship last summer. He is the youngest chairman in the group's centuries-long history.

Oprah Winfrey - media mogul: It might seem as though Oprah's influence has waned in the past eight years. However, while her cultural relevance has dipped somewhat, she is very much in the thick of things in terms of Council business. While it is generally understood that she is far more effective when she is out of the spotlight, she still finds herself drawn to the public eye, though the backlash to her recent outspoken passion for bread might have finally shown her that it is time to simply run the show rather than BE the show.

As for the five newest members?

Beyonc entertainer: As one of the most popular entertainers on the planet, Beyonc has a unique platform from which to distract the masses from the truths of their reality. She is also unique in that she was not groomed for her Council position from birth. She is, however, one of the most intelligent people on the planet there are perhaps half a dozen who can match her intellect, one of whom being her own daughter Blue Ivy and deduced Google's existence while still a child. She devoted her brilliance to pop music, believing (correctly) that pop superstardom could serve to clear her path to the Council. Jay-Z is blissfully unaware, simply believing both he and Beyonc to be members of the Illuminati and nothing more.

Stephen King writer: The master of horror is the sole current member of the Council who also had a previous term. King spent a number of years here in the late 1980s and early 1990s even serving as chairman for a stretch before taking an extended stretch of time away. He returned to the Council after it was decided that a veteran of the process should fill at least one of the seats vacated in the Minelli/Norris exodus. He has long been considered one of the most steadfast and effective of Council members. Most notably, King has found ways to subliminally code round-earth mythology into his bestselling novels; he also turned the TV version of his 'Under The Dome' into a full-blown trans-flat allegory.

Leonardo DiCaprio actor: More than any of the Chosen from his generation, DiCaprio has labored hard and long at Google's behest. He has been operating at a sub-Council level for decades, using his gift for performance as a tool in undertaking a variety of secret missions for his masters. Few Council-born are allowed to serve in such a capacity, but DiCaprio's talents were considered too vast to be wasted. Using his ostensible playboy lifestyle as a cover, DiCaprio has been Google's most active and most successful global operative. However, when Hughes left the fold, it was determined that DiCaprio's abilities would be the ideal fit to fill that vacuum. His term on the Council has thus far been fairly uneventful, though he apparently shows a good deal of promise.

Kim Kardashian reality star: We were as shocked as you are on this one. The seemingly-vapid reality star seems like an unlikely fit, but as it turns out, every aspect of her rise to fame has been meticulously planned and executed. Everything from the sex tape to the reality show to her marriages it has all been part of a concerted effort to dumb down the level of cultural discourse. Her sole job one that she has proven astonishingly good at is to get the masses to pay attention to her. She has been given carte blanche with regards to how she proceeds with that task; her incredible success is what earned her an early promotion to a Council seat.

Neil deGrasse Tyson scientist: It might surprise some to see a man of science on this list. However, the Council periodically brings prominent scientific figures into the fold when they deem it necessary to have an authoritative voice to dispute those who attempt to reveal the flat earth truth before the day of the dimensional reckoning. Someone like Tyson who is the world's leading expert on flat-earth cosmology can use his knowledge to easily shut down those who would try to pull back the curtain. He is also the primary force behind Google's highly secret research arm, whose projects not even we could uncover. Tyson's scientific genius and brilliant gift for rhetoric make him the ideal spokesman to cover up astronomy's many lies.

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We here at The Maine Edge have a responsibility. No matter how engrained the conventional wisdom might be, we feel it is our duty to give our readers the truth. Despite the seemingly complete erasure of our past coverage of this story, we simply cannot let this centuries-long conspiracy stand unchallenged.

Google's Council of Seven is keeping the truth from you for their own insidious and vaguely occult reasons. We may be censored or worse for printing this story, but we must do what is right, consequences be damned.

As always - beware the search engines. And don't always believe what you read.

(Editor's note: This is the April Fools' Day edition of The Maine Edge. In case you were wondering, most if not all of this story is completely made up.)

Last modified on Wednesday, 30 March 2016 21:37

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