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Columnist invented triplets' for popularity

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It has come to our attention that long-time columnist and editor Katy England has in fact invented her triplets in order to become popular.

Apparently the ruse started with the pregnancy itself. She found the more babies she added in utero, the more people would 'ooh and aah.' And the web of lies grew with each telling. She went so far as to hire actors, set up studios for photo shoots, give them names and create stories to share with followers on Facebook.

'I just didn't know how to stop. It kind of snowballed out of control,' she said in a phone interview. 'You get so much more sympathy when you have multiples. When I learned that people would steal photos of multiples and pass them off as their own, I was like, I could do that too.''

People began to get suspicious when England was never seen in public with her brood. She would shop at the grocery store solo, buying more groceries than any one person could possibly need in any given week and blaming it on having triplets. Any time she spilled food, drinks or got mud on her clothes she would attribute it to the triplets. If she was late for an appointment, forgot her laptop's power cord or simply didn't feel like coming into work, suddenly one or all of the triplets was ill or 'needed to go to the emergency room.'

England reportedly hired a set of actual triplets and paid extra to give them really bad haircuts and turn her house into a vortex of sticky floors, broken toys and unparalleled destruction. The trio actually lived in the house for the three years, carving a swathe of destruction through the otherwise lovely home, leaving some to wonder if it was really worth the ruse.

Actual parents of triplets are incensed over the deception though also a little confused.

'I am outraged. Why would someone fake it this entire time? I mean, I turned to her for advice on how to wipe and dipe three poopy butts with one hand and how to feed the kids with a modified turkey baster, and this is what we get? That it was all lies!?' exclaimed Ian McNulty, an actual father of triplets. His volume at one point caused the speaker on the phone to vibrate. 'Howdareshe!'

Apparently there are no charges being filed, because lying to be popular is apparently something that people do every day. Police noted that the jails are overcrowded as it is, and arresting people for being narcissistic ass-hats would be a strain on the system. Though police did point out that everyone is free to make England a social pariah which would work better if she ever left her house to do anything.

England said that she is considering actually trying to have triplets, just to keep the love flowing.

'I mean, they can't stay mad at me if I actually have triplets? Right?' she said.


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