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Dear Todd Parker (12/07/2016)

December 7, 2016
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Dear Todd Parker,

I live on a nice quiet street here in Bangor. For the most part, I get along with my neighbors and they get along with me. We’re not best buddies or anything, but everyone is civil enough.

My problem is with this one guy down the street. We’ll call him “Clark” for reasons that will be clear soon enough. Clark is one of those guys who will look for any excuse to turn his entire house into a gaudy holiday display. It’s been bad for a while, but recently, things have been out of control. This past Halloween was absolutely ridiculous, but it’s what happened this weekend that really pushed me over the edge.

Clark turned on his Christmas lights.

I’m all for celebrating the season however you see fit, but don’t you have to take the feelings of others into consideration at some point? This guy’s house turns night into day when those lights go on. I live half a block away and it still lights up my bedroom. Plus he’s got some of those stupid inflatable things and a sleigh display with a Santa whose robotic “Ho ho ho” haunts my nightmares.

What can I say to this guy that will get him to quit it without me coming off as the jerk?

Fed Up in Bangor

Dear Fed Up,

And a good day to you too, Ebenezer! You must be great fun at the Christmas party.

Seriously, dude – I didn’t know the Grinch had moved from Whoville to Bangor. What kind of asshat complains about Christmas lights? Your boy Clark (very clever, by the way) is just trying to celebrate the season in a fun way. Decorating your house is part of the yuletide experience; this guy has probably been looking forward to it since July. And you know who else has probably been looking forward to it?

Everyone else in your neighborhood. Especially the kids.

Get over it, chief. Clark can decorate his house however he wants. He’s not hurting anybody. He’s certainly not hurting you. The guy is bringing the spirit of the season to life in his own way. To most normal humans, this kind of thing is what is known as “fun.” Maybe you should look it up or something. I’ll bet if you ask any one of your neighbors, they’ll tell you they think it’s great. There’s a reason people light up the night around this time of year – because it’s awesome. Unlike your attitude.

Long story short, you are definitely the jerk.

Go peddle your “Bah Humbug” somewhere else, pal, because Todd Parker ain’t buying. Christmas lights are the best. Close your curtains, suck it up and try not to be such a joyless nozzle.

Last modified on Wednesday, 07 December 2016 09:56

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