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Celeb Slam - (02-24-2016)

February 24, 2016
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A squirrel monkey in the german Affen- und Vogelpark Eckenhagen A squirrel monkey in the german Affen- und Vogelpark Eckenhagen published under the german cc-by-sa-2.0 license with friendly permission given by the Affen- und Vogelpark Eckenhagen

More monkey business

As anyone who reads this space with regularity is aware, we're not at all averse to going for the low-hanging fruit. Sure, we could dig a little deeper in our quest to scorn and deride the failings of the famous, but really why bother? There are plenty of celebs who are more than happy to provide a nigh-constant stream of misdeeds and faux pas.

One of our all-time favorites is Justin Bieber. The Biebs has been providing fodder for this feature for what seems like forever; he's definitely earned a place on the Celebrity Slam Mount Rushmore. So what is Bieber doing now to warrant our interest?

He's trying to get a monkey. Another one.

Some of you might recall that back in 2013, Bieber had a monkey pal named Mally. He took Mally on tour with him and they wound up in Germany. Bieber didn't have the proper documentation for Mally, so customs officials confiscated the monkey. Bieber, in true a-hole fashion, never bothered trying to retrieve his supposedly beloved pet.

But now he wants another one, saying that 'monkeys are awesome' and 'Just gotta make sure I got a house and it stays in the f---ing houseI'm not gonna bring him to Germany.' Well then he sounds like a young man who learned his lesson. Keep your monkey in the f---ing house and don't take it to Germany. Situation handled.

However, there are some folks out there who aren't so ready to forgive Bieber's previous sins. The North American Primate Sanctuary Alliance (NAPSA) has lashed out at the Biebs, calling him 'foolish' and 'irresponsible' and basically begging him not to do this.

Nice try, NAPSA, but we all know that Bieber's getting a monkey.

Back when Bieber lost his first monkey, we talked briefly about the odd infatuation that pop and rock stars have had for primates over the years. Obviously, the gold standard for musician/monkey relationships is Michael Jackson and Bubbles (and yes, I know Bubbles was a chimpanzee, not a monkey); it seems safe to assume that Bieber's well-established willingness to abandon his pets precludes him from developing that sort of bond.

Look, Justin Bieber has made a lot of mistakes over the years. A lot of it can be chalked up to him being a bonehead kid doing bonehead kid stuff. This one always seemed different there was a callousness to it, the seeming ease with which he was able to walk away from his responsibility to another living thing. Truthfully, it was flat-out cold-blooded.

Pets aren't toys. Bringing living creatures into your world isn't a goof or a joke. They deserve respect respect that Mr. Bieber has proven incapable of providing. Seriously if you want to be a drunken, egotistical moron, that's your choice. Have at it.

Just leave the monkeys out of it.

This week in Kardashian-land

Speaking of low-hanging fruit and easy targets

It was just last week that we said that we'd be trying to dial back on the Kanye West talk. However, the guy makes it really difficult he's out there comparing himself to Stanley Kubrick and the Apostle Paul during backstage rants at 'SNL' and telling Mark Zuckerberg and others that they should be giving him money for his 'ideas.'

He's also mad at his sister-in-law Kylie Jenner, who secretly signed a shoe deal with Puma despite the fact that Kanye is in bed with the folks at Adidas, because how dare anyone do anything without clearing with Yeezus first.

(The fact that I'm siding with Kylie Jenner on anything frightens and confuses me, by the way.)

In non-Kanye news, Kylie who is clearly trying to up her Kardashi-game has also found herself in a bit of a feud with Blac Chyna (who is currently dating Kylie's brother Rob and is the ex of Kylie's current beau Tyga, because celebrity 'relationships' are just ridiculous).

So what's the beef? Kylie has apparently started a cooking show called 'Cooking with Kylie' this despite the fact that Blac Chyna has been doing 'Cooking with Chyna' on social media for the past few months. Chyna responded online with a message that included both the word 'b-tch' and a turkey leg emoji, because of course she did.

Pay attention, Kim the spotlight-seeking student has become the master.

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