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Can you dig it?

March 27, 2013
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An exclusive chat with the King of the Mole People

BANGOR In recent weeks, the news has been filled with incidences of sinkholes opening up seemingly at random all over the country. There has been no discernible pattern to these occurrences; they have happened beneath houses, on golf courses even in the middle of Lincoln Street right here in Bangor.

After some typically in-depth and not-at-all-made-up investigation, we have determined the cause of this sinkhole epidemic.

The Mole People are coming.

In an exclusive interview, The Maine Edge sat down with King Aldrich, Sovereign Lord of the Mole People, to discuss His Lowness's upcoming plans for the surface world.

'First of all, I want to make it clear that we Mole People are nothing like how we have been portrayed in your pop culture,' King Aldrich said. 'We're not eyeless mutants bent on dominating the surface. We're people just like you who just happen to have spent thousands of years living underground.'

According to the King, the Mole People are just looking for an opportunity.

'Times are tough down below,' said the King. 'In retrospect, switching from the gold standard to the earthworm standard was probably a mistake. Our economy hasn't yet recovered from the bursting of the cave bubble we're just looking for ways to get ourselves back on track.'

That means looking for jobs elsewhere including the surface world.

'We're a hard-working people,' he said. 'And this new generation doesn't carry the same prejudices as the older folks. Back in my grandfather's day, most Mole People spoke of Up-Toppers' with sneering disdain. But today's young folks don't share that attitude. We've become quite progressive in recent years.

'Please understand we're not looking to conquer you. The days of inflammatory rhetoric about rising up and reclaiming the world are long behind us. We're just looking for a fair shake.'

When asked what kind of jobs his people were looking for, the King was cautiously optimistic.

'Look, we understand that times are just as tough up here as they are down under. And no, I don't mean Australia,' the King said with a smile. 'We just want to earn an honest living. We've got plenty of miners, of course, but there are also some first-rate landscapers and construction workers down here just looking for a chance to prove themselves.

'And it probably doesn't hurt that we don't really use money. We're more than happy to be paid in earthworms and slabs of granite.'

When the destructive nature of the sinkholes was raised, King Aldrich expressed his regrets.

'When we started seeing what was happening to people, we were actually pretty shocked,' he said. 'We certainly didn't mean to cause any problems. But the unfortunate truth is that our methods of navigation are a bit antiquated it's difficult for us to determine exactly where we are until we're relatively close to the surface. It's all accidental; we certainly aren't looking to cause any trouble for you folks up here.'

In addition to the employment search, King Aldrich and some of his wealthier subjects also have plans to do some sightseeing during their sojourn to the surface world.

'It's not like every single one of us is coming here desperate for work,' he said. 'For a lot of us, this is a wonderful opportunity to explore a new culture. We're very much looking forward to taking advantage of the chance to do something different. For instance, I can't wait to see the ocean. And a lot of us are really curious to find out what the deal is with these 'bird' creatures that we've heard so much about. Flying through the air sounds like a child's story.'

So fear not, fellow surface dwellers the Mole People are not the bloodthirsty monsters that science fiction and 1950s B-movies have led us to believe. They're just like us, only a little dirtier and a lot paler. Let's do our best to welcome our new underground friends with open arms.

WEB EDITOR'S NOTE: This article appeared as part of our April Fools Day edition. We can assure you that the Mole People are not in fact coming.

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