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November 7, 2012

November 7, 2012
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Glory days

MOUNT PLEASANT, Mich. - A central Michigan high school football team may have to forfeit some victories after officials learned that a player was 21 years old.

The young man enrolled at Mount Pleasant High School this fall under an alias, Javier Jones. Athletic Director Jim Conway tells The Morning Sun that the investigation began with a tip from a parent. The student was expelled Thursday.

Conway says documents were altered and forged. The student previously lived in Lansing. Under state rules, a student isn't eligible to play if he or she is 19 before Sept. 1.

The Oilers had a 4-5 football record and didn't make the playoffs. Coach Jason McIntyre says the player was a defensive back who started some games near the end of the season but wasn't a star.

TME He should have aimed lower - Pop Warner, maybe?

Monumentally stupid

DAVISON TOWNSHIP, Mich. - The former mayor of Flint, Mich., who resigned in 2009 while facing a recall, has erected a bronze statue of himself outside the gated entrance to his home.

The Flint Journal reports that the statue of Don Williamson in Genesee County's Davison Township, near Flint, is surrounded by six bronze lions.

On the base of the statue are the words: 'The Colonel's Inc. Founded by Donald J. Williamson May 10, 1984. His motto `Success is the best revenge.''

Williamson says the statue was made 20 years ago and was originally displayed at The Colonel's Inc., the auto parts firm where he made his fortune.

Williamson says the lions were imported by his wife. Of the lion statues, he joked: 'Careful, one of them is alive.'

TME This sounds suspiciously like a supervillain's origin story.

Criminal cleaning

WESTLAKE, Ohio - A woman dubbed the 'cleaning fairy' has pleaded guilty to attempted burglary in northeastern Ohio.

The (Elyria) Chronicle-Telegram says Susan Warren got the nickname after breaking into a home west of Cleveland, cleaning it and leaving a bill for $75.

Warren pleaded guilty this week to attempted burglary and will be sentenced later.

The 53-year-old Warren told authorities that she was driving by the house and 'wanted something to do.' She broke in, washed some coffee cups, took out the trash, vacuumed and dusted inside the house. Then she left a bill written on a napkin that included her phone number.

Warren said that she owns a cleaning business and sometimes enters homes, cleans them and leaves a bill.

She has another burglary case pending, but circumstances weren't clear.

TME It's that kind of aggressive marketing that leads to long-term success. Or imprisonment.

Opportunity crashes

JOHNSTOWN, Pa. - Police say a western Pennsylvania man who stopped to relieve himself outside a packing company decided to steal about $1,000 worth of meat after his car accidentally backed into the building and broke through a glass door.

At least that's the story that West Hills Regional police say the man is sticking to this time.

Police Sgt. George Musulin tells the Tribune-Democrat of Johnstown that 47-year-old Joseph Winogrodzki gave police several versions of the Oct. 18 incident before he was charged Wednesday.

At first, police say Winogrodzki told them he was driving past the Alex Froehlich Packing Co. when he saw two men break a glass door and throw meat onto the sidewalk.

Winogrodzki told police he was reporting that crime, but later acknowledged he stole the meat after drinking and taking pain medication.

TME Let he among us who hasn't accidentally stolen meat during a roadside pee break cast the first stone.

This week in absurd activism

IRVINE, Calif. - Animal activists want a California roadside memorial sign to honor fish killed during a container truck crash.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals volunteer Dina Kourda told Irvine's street maintenance chief the sign would remind drivers that fish value their lives and feel pain.

About 1,600 pounds of saltwater bass died on Oct. 11 when the truck hauling them to market got into a three-way crash.

The Los Angeles Times says Kourda's letter acknowledges roadside memorials traditionally honor humans, but she hopes an exception will be made.

Irvine spokesman Craig Reem says there won't be a fish memorial.

TME But who will remember the bass? Think about THE BASS!

You're doing it wrong

EXPORT, Pa. - State police say a would-be robber was sent packing empty-handed by an attendant at an automated laundry in western Pennsylvania.

Troopers from the Kiski barracks say the suspect dressed in black entered the Export Laundromat about 2:10 a.m. Sunday and demanded money from an attendant who was servicing equipment there.

When the 50-year-old employee told the suspect he didn't have any money, police say the robber pulled a handgun from his pocket and told the worker 'he was serious.'

Police say in a news release that's when the attendant told the suspect 'that he, too, was serious and that he did not have any money.'

The suspect ran away after searching the premises and finding no money.

Police haven't made an arrest or released the suspect's name.

TME The robber got no money, but at least he made a clean getaway.

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