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Celebrity Slam - Fetty whoop ass

September 4, 2019
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We’re going to be up front with you right from the get-go – this isn’t necessarily a banner week for Celebrity Slam. For whatever reason, this cycle has been pretty light on the sorts of things that we tend to really dig into in this space. Even the VMAs – usually such a reliable source for Slammable stories – failed to deliver this year.

We understand that you have high standards with regards to the idiocy that we cover here, but the truth is that it was slim pickings. You come to us in search of precious gems.

What you get – at least this week – is Fetty Wap punching some dudes in Vegas.

According to law enforcement officials, the rapper was arrested on Sunday in Las Vegas following an altercation in which he took swings at not one, not two, but three different employees of The Mirage Hotel and Casino.

Apparently, Fetty got into some sort of dispute with one of the valets and things rapidly got heated – so heated that it became physical. Specifically, he’s alleged to have punched the dude at least three times.

After that, a different Mirage staffer reportedly made a citizen’s arrest – yes, really – and held Fetty until officers with the Las Vegas Metro Police Department showed up to take him into custody. All told, the rapper was booked for three misdemeanor counts of battery. Initial reports had those counts matched up to the three punches thrown at the valet, but later clarification showed that he was actually getting charged for attacking three different people.

Fetty was only in custody for a few hours before getting sprung, but he’ll have a court date to face the charges soon enough.

And … that’s kind of it, really.

We know – not the usual fun stuff that you get here. You can bust on Fetty Wap for punching a valet, for sure; you’d think an MC would be better about using his words. Throwing hands because you didn’t get your keys fast enough seems like an outsized reaction, but what do we know?

And getting into a fight in Las Vegas is so cliché, so there’s that. What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas if you’re going to brawl in front of a hotel while being famous. It’s a guarantee of problems, even in a best-case scenario.

Oh, and it has to hurt a dude’s street cred to get citizen’s arrested regardless, but to get taken down by a casino doorman probably isn’t going to be a great look. It’s going to be hard to project any sort of tough guy image when you can’t even handle a bellboy, you know?

But still – it’s kind of blah, right?

We debated going with the burgeoning relationship between Pete Davidson and Margaret Qualley here, but we had just spent time talking about what a dips—t Davidson was and besides, who the hell knows how long this dalliance will even last? It used to be that once these pairings went public, you could count on a little bit of time, but Pete seems to be in full-on churn and burn mode.

Did that prevent us from working our way toward a portmanteau? Reader, it did not.

Of COURSE we played our favorite name game. We just didn’t think it warranted our full attention because again, Pete was here last week and this relationship might not be here next week.

It doesn’t hurt that there’s an obvious choice. First names won’t cut it – “Pargaret” is a no go, and the less we say about “Mete,” the better. You could try and pitch “Davidsalley,” but it’s too long and it lacks musicality. So, you know – it’s clearly “Quavidson.”

Again, our apologies for not living up to the massive expectations generated by this space. We simply didn’t have the material to work with this week, and for that, we truly are sorry. We sincerely hope that this look at punch-happy Fetty Wap and Pete Davidson’s almost-certainly-already-doomed relationship is enough to tide you over until the next time our paths cross.

So just cross your fingers and wish for some hilariously stupid and nonsensical social media beef so that we can really get after it next week.

Last modified on Wednesday, 04 September 2019 11:03

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