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Celebrity Slam - Admission ambition attrition

March 13, 2019
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Much of our time here at Celebrity Slam is spent on beef and love. Specifically, celebrity feuds (the more online, the better) and relationships (hooray portmanteaus!) – it’s our bread and butter.

But sometimes, we’re granted a gift. A wonderful, weird and utterly ridiculous gift.

It doesn’t happen as often as we’d like, but every once in a while, a celebrity will get involved in something so ludicrous, so outlandish that we have to pinch ourselves to be sure that we aren’t somehow dreaming this lunacy into existence. But today, we have pinched. We are aware and we are focused and what we have before us is something truly magical.

Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin – come on down!

In what has to be in the conversation for most entitled action ever covered in this space, Huffman and Loughlin were among some 50 or so rich folks caught up in an investigation into a nationwide college entrance cheating operation. The federal investigation – awesomely titled “Operation Varsity Blues” – is taking those involved into custody, including a number of NCAA Division I coaches and other college-affiliated figures.

We’ll start with Huffman (who we’ve always liked and are currently VERY disappointed with). According to the federal court records unsealed on Tuesday, Huffman made a phony donation in an effort to help her daughter gain an unfair advantage on the SAT. A confidential witness allegedly met with Huffman at her home and told her that he controlled a testing center and that he could manipulate the testing to her daughter’s advantage; among other things, he promised a sympathetic proctor who would correct wrong answers afterward. For this promised service, Huffman agreed to cough up $15,000 to a bogus charity. She also subsequently inquired about similar services for her younger daughter, but apparently did not wind up following through.

(We’re also disappointed in her husband William H. Macy. While he isn’t named – listed only as “spouse” – and wasn’t indicted, we can probably safely assume he was in on whatever was happening.)

Loughlin chose a different path for her kids. Apparently, she and her husband Mossimo Giannulli paid something like a half-million dollars to get their two daughters into USC. The plan was simple: designate the girls as sports recruits – in this case, crew. As recruits, they were guaranteed admission to the school … even though neither had ever really participated in crew.

Both women have been charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud, wire fraud and honest services mail fraud, meaning the defendants deprived worthy individuals of honest services.

(Note: This doesn’t directly reflect on the celebrities we’re Slamming here, but we must urge you to spend some time looking into the crazy details of this story. Coaches were getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to “recruit” kids who weren’t even athletes. One of the ringleaders even had a system where he’d stage and doctor photos to make kids look like they were playing a sport. Shocking amounts of money changed hands, all so rich morons could stack the deck for their offspring.)

Talk about representing the absolute worst of celebrity entitlement. Granted, this was about dollars and cents rather than cashing in on fame, but still – these are clearly the actions of people who not only don’t believe the rules should apply to them but are happy to break said rules without hesitation.

It’s not even the deed itself so much as the sheer audacity of it all. My kid should be able to go wherever he or she wants for college, so here’s 15 grand – fix her SAT score. Oh, it won’t do if my precious snowflakes can’t be Trojans – here’s 500K for you to pretend they’re good at rowing or whatever long enough for them to be admitted.

It’s the worst brand of snowplow parenting, with people using their bank balance to totally clear the way for their kids. God forbid their children possibly be viewed as somehow less accomplished – better to throw money at the problem until it isn’t a problem anymore. It’s gross entitlement all the way down.

Besides, everyone knows that if you want to bribe your kid’s way into college, you do it the way rich people have always done it: pay for a building. Simple. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

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