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Celebrity Slam - Golden Globes letdown

January 9, 2019
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Awards season is great for a lot of reasons. All the famous folks are out and about and often jammed into rooms together, forced into a proximity that they don’t ordinarily have to deal with. This can lead to the escalation of already simmering beefs or other Slammable weirdness. These people aren’t used to doing stuff they don’t want to – especially if that means standing shoulder to shoulder alongside someone with whom you’re currently blood-feuding.

So obviously, we were super jazzed for the Golden Globes. It’s an awards show that has a couple of specific things going for it. It’s one of the first really big ones, so people aren’t necessarily ready to exhibit the self-control needed to deal with potential conflicts. The awards themselves are essentially random, meaning that there’s some anxiety and possibility of hurt feelings. And most importantly – there’s booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Add it all up and the Golden Globes are usually good for a nice Celebrity Slam. And yet this year wound up being shockingly thin. Really, the best we could come up with is the beef-that-is-not-a-beef between “This is Us” star Chrissy Metz and “GLOW” star Alison Brie.

During the red carpet telecast, due to some poorly-executed broadcasting work by the fine folks of the E! Network, there was some weirdness following a red-carpet interview. The plan was apparently to throw to Brie, but there was a weird delay. The mic was hot and just before the switch, it picked up Metz saying … something.

The phrase begins “such a …” and ends with what can conceivably hear as the beginnings of a “b” sound. The internet being the internet, people immediately decided that Chrissy Metz was calling Alison Brie a “b—ch” and how dare she and let’s all clutch our pearls.

Of course, both stars immediately went full “What are you even talking about?” when things started spiraling. The two, while not necessarily close friends, have certainly appeared to be friendly in all of the limited times they have appeared together.

Obviously, we here at Celebrity Slam love us some celeb-on-celeb conflict, but even we’re having some trouble getting excited about this. It’s times like this that we have to rely on Occam’s Razor – the simplest answer is probably the right one. And the simplest answer is that no matter how much you want to talk yourself into rhymes-with-witch, it didn’t happen.

Seriously – how sad is it that THAT’S the worst we can come up with from the Globes? The only other stuff we’ve got is strictly bush league. There’s that Fiji Water girl who was in all the pictures, which, whatever. There was the magnificently rambling acceptance speech given by an almost-certainly-stoned Jeff Bridges when he got the Cecil B. DeMille Award. Oh, and Emma Stone audibly apologized for her whitewashing presence in Cameron Crowe’s (terrible, terrible, oh so terrible) “Aloha” in response to a joke by host Sandra Oh.

And that’s … it. Such a bummer.

A lot of it springs from Oh and her co-host Andy Samberg. The pair decided to go for a “happy to be here” vibe that, while pleasant, didn’t really lend itself to any measurable conflict. Sure, they managed a groan here or there, but for the most part, they played it gentle and bland. And yes, that probably makes for a much more enjoyable experience for the people involved, where’s the fun in that?

Look, we find Ricky Gervais as insufferable as the rest of you, but you can’t deny that when he went full Rickles when he hosted the Globes a few years back, it was kind of awesome. A captive audience of self-importance and bloated egos, all forced to listen as a d-bag Brit throws an entire old-growth forest worth of shade at them?


Anyway, the Golden Globes did not give us what we wanted this year. Even if the idiotic Metz/Brie non-controversy actually was something, it would still be tremendously lame. We don’t need fistfights or anything, but a little real beef would have been fun. Instead, we got an evening led by two perfectly adequate hosts that was uneventful and nice enough and generally forgettable.

And that sucks.

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