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The worst is yet to come

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Sandler, Bay, Perry combine forces 

Critics have long been bemoaning the steady downgrade in quality at the movie theater in recent years. It seems that the public's tolerance for poorly-written, poorly-acted and poorly-produced films has grown to heights never before seen.

And so Hollywood has decided to test just how low audiences are willing to sink.

The leader in this race to the bottom is the newly-formed production company Happy Crappy Exploding Fatsuit. At the helm of this turd factory are three of the biggest names in Hollywood Adam Sandler, Tyler Perry and Michael Bay. This unholy partnership was announced last week with one and only one explicit goal.

'We want to make the worst movies that have ever been made,' said Sandler in a barely-intelligible imbecile voice that was like icy fingernails on the chalkboard of listeners' souls.

'That's right,' added Perry, who then quickly ducked beneath the table, only to rise again wearing a wig, glasses and a fatsuit. He then proceeded to bob his head rapidly, wave his finger back and forth and spout quasi-sentences intended to carry some sort of homespun charm but upon further inspection prove to be utterly devoid of meaning.

Bay was not present at the press conference, as he was busy overseas spending hundreds of millions of dollars on CGI-laden crap that could be directed by a confused Capuchin monkey. He did appear via a pre-recorded video, but whatever asinine blah-blah he might have been spouting was lost when all of the monitors exploded for no reason whatsoever.

'Our first flibbity is going to jobbity wippity and dankity moo-hoo!' Sandler screamed nonsensically as he tripped over the table, tumbling to the floor in a jumble of stiffly splayed fingers and punchability. 'Also Kevin James!'

During the 45 seconds that Sandler was rampaging around the room like a lunatic, Perry wrote, directed, produced and starred in 'Madea Goes to Home Depot.'

Suddenly, a giant robot riding a meteor crashed through the ceiling and landed in the middle of the room. It began to explain that it had come to represent Michael Bay's interests in HCEF only to explode for no reason whatsoever, ending the press conference.

Among the materials distributed by production assistants who had clearly sold their souls or simply been born without them was a list of the first few projects for Happy Crappy Exploding Fatsuit. Some examples include:

'Hot Robot' this film would star Sandler as a man who is in a relationship with a woman so much more attractive than him as to be inexplicable. He makes a lot of poop jokes; Nick Swardson and that dude with the lazy eye are there for some reason. It turns out that the woman is a robot. She explodes.

'Madea Fights an Asteroid' this film would feature Perry playing Madea again. Only this time, she's leading a misfit team of oil drillers into space to save Earth from an asteroid. Essentially a shot-for-shot remake of Bay's 1998 'Armageddon,' only with Perry/Madea filling both the Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck roles.

'Tyler Perry's Grown Ups 3' Set in the aftermath of an alien invasion, Adam Sandler must band together with his childhood friends in order to prevent the annihilation of his idyllic hometown. Their only hope is the infinite sass of Madea. Tyler Perry also plays the leader of humanity's military defenses, while Sandler doubles as the incessantly irritating alien overlord. As they do battle, they learn that maybe they aren't so different after all until they explode.

(this is an April Fools article)

Last modified on Wednesday, 26 March 2014 10:52


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