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Swan song of ice and fire

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A totally real, not-made-up interview with George R.R. Martin

I don't need to tell you just how popular the books of George R.R. Martin are. The fantasy author has sold millions of copies of his 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series. Perhaps the only thing about the guy's work that is a turnoff for fans is the length of time it takes to get new installments.

According to reports, the newest book in the series 'The Winds of Winter' is scheduled to drop sometime late this year or early next year. The book planned to follow it currently titled 'A Dream of Spring' is supposedly going to be the very last in the series.

The elongated timeline of Martin's books has led HBO's wildly successful 'Game of Thrones' adaptation to proceed with mostly original material; the newest season is set to debut next month.

One of the most fiercely kept secrets in all of literature is the end of the series. 'A Song of Ice and Fire' has become a cultural touchstone for many readers; as such, its conclusion is eagerly anticipated.

We here at The Maine Edge managed to secure a brief interview with Mr. Martin after locating his top-secret writing lair. Our window was small, but in truth, we had just one question a simple question that we considered it our duty to ask.

In short how does it all end?

The following is a transcript of the exchange with Mr. Martin in its entirety.

The Maine Edge Mr. Martin? Mr. Martin! A moment of your time?

George R.R. Martin Who the hell are you? And how did you get past security?

TME That's not important right now. I'm from The Maine Edge, an arts and

GRRM The who?

TME The Maine Edge. We're an arts and entertainment weekly based in Bangor, Maine.

GRRM You're from Maine? Then why are you all the way out in (location redacted)? How did you find me?

TME I'll ask the questions, sir. I've traveled many miles and committed some fairly heinous acts to track you down, so I think I'm entitled to speak to you.

GRRM You do know that isn't how interviews work, right?

TME I WILL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS, SIR! (Pause) So, Mr. Martin, our readers are dying to know how will 'A Song of Ice and Fire' end?

GRRM (laughing) I'm certainly not going to tell you that. Why would I? If I wouldn't tell my publisher or HBO, I'm not going to tell some home invader/alleged journalist. I'm the only one that knows and that's the way it's going to stay until the book comes out.

TME I see. Well, what if I were to tell you that

(Several minutes of inaudible whispering and muttering)

TME (cont) I mean, really. Doesn't that sound fair?

GRRM WellI might not agree with your methods or your creepy appearance inside my studio, but I simply cannot find fault in your logic. It's ironclad. It makes literally no sense to keep the ending from you.

TME I knew you'd come around.

GRRM All right. Sothe ending to 'A Song of Ice and Fire.'

TME Yes please.

GRRM The story's ending iswellit's kind of

TME You're clearly stalling, Mr. Martin. Please go on.

GRRM OK, so, the ending, it's like, individuals are selected from each of the seven kingdoms of Westeros and brought together in King's Landing in order to battle to the death for the glory of their homeland. We'll see someone from, like, one of the poorer kingdoms come out on top and lead a sort of revolution to

TME I'm sorry, Mr. Martin. I need to stop you there. You're clearly describing 'The Hunger Games.'

GRRM No I'm not.

TME I'm afraid you are, sir.

(Lengthy pause)

GRRM Heh. Caught me! Anyway, the real ending is going to have the Knight's Watch travel farther than they ever have before so far that they come upon ANOTHER wall. They climb over it and on the other side, they encounter a park ranger whose job is apparently to keep the denizens of Westeros from finding out that their land is actually a wildlife preserve in Pennsylvania and

TME Again, I need you to stop. That's the ending of M. Night Shyamalan's 'The Village.'

(Lengthier pause)

GRRM Oh, fine. So the REAL ending is, like, Ned Stark is going to wake up in bed next to his wife and tell her that he had the strangest dream and that

TME Really? Dude, that's the ending of 'Newhart.'

(Lengthiest pause)

GRRM You know what, smart guy? Here's the real scoop I don't know HOW the f---ing thing ends. Not a clue. Do you have any idea what kind of pressure I'm under here? There's zero chance that I'm able to come up with a conclusion that offers anything like the sort of payoff that all of these people expect. Seriously. I've been freaking out about it for like five years.


GRRM Dodo YOU have any ideas?

TME As a matter of fact, I do.


It was at this point the interview ended and the brainstorming session began. Suffice it to say, the George R.R. Martin I left behind was far more secure and happy than the one I found. We solved his problem and came up with what we both agree is the best possible ending, one that will satisfy every single reader without exception.

As to what that ending is, wellyou'll just have to wait and see, won't you?

(Editor's note: This is the April Fools' Day edition of The Maine Edge. In case you were wondering, most if not all of this story is completely made up.)


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