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Loch Ness murder

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The real reason behind Nessie's disappearance

INVERNESS, Scotland Over the past 18 months, authorities have noted with increasing alarm that the legendary Loch Ness Monster better known as Nessie has failed to make even a single appearance.

Skeptics the world round have taken this as proof that cooler heads have finally prevailed and society has simply accepted the truth that there is no monster in Loch Ness, nor was there ever one there to be seen.

But according to one authority, there is something much more sinister behind Nessie's disappearance. Campbell O'Cane, an investigator for Interpol's Cryptid Division, believes that there may be far more to this than meets the eye.

'Nessie,' said O'Cane, 'was murdered.'

Much of the law enforcement community including many in O'Cane's own division believes these findings to be questionable at best. But O'Cane is steadfast in his resolve; he truly thinks that Nessie met with foul play.

'Nessie's never been the most forthcoming of beasts,' O'Cane said. 'She isn't much for putting on a show. So it isn't surprising that she would fall off the radar for a few months; she may have even taken one of the underwater passages beneath the loch to warmer climes for a while.

'But she'd have been back by now regardless,' he insisted. 'And there's no way she'd have simply died for one, she's nigh-on immortal. And even if she did pass on, where's the body? That big a corpse ain't going to stay at the bottom for long.'

Interpol officials proved reluctant to comment on O'Cane's theory; while the inspector hasn't yet received any sort of official reprimand, it's clear that those in authority are distancing themselves from O'Cane. The general consensus is that he has gone rogue.

'Am I a loose cannon?' O'Cane asked. 'Perhaps. Perhaps I am at that. One might consider me a maverick, willing to bend and even break the rules to get the job done. And the job in front of me right now is a big one sauricide.'

Even among the notoriously weird members of the Cryptid Division, O'Cane's eccentricity stands apart. It isn't even his insistence on Nessie's murder that has alienated him from his colleagues; it's his suspect.

'Dracula,' said O'Cane with a knowing nod. 'It was definitely Dracula. Now, I don't mean to say that it was Dracula what done the actual killing; that's madness. Everyone knows that Dracula don't get his hands dirty unless he's biting the neck of some young thing in a nightgown. No, he was just the brains of the outfit. He put the whole plan in motion, see. The actual killing, well, that was done by a band of Bigfoot.'

O'Cane paused for a moment.

'I understand how it sounds,' he said quietly. 'But you don't know I spent the better part of three years trying to track down this elite unit of Sasquatch commandos. They're the best at what they do so good that I could never even find a scrap of evidence that they ever existed. Just like with Dracula the scariest ones are the ones that you can't ever find.'

When asked what possible benefit Dracula might derive from the death of Nessie, O'Cane grew hostile.

'Benefit? BENEFIT?' he shouted. 'He's f---ing DRACULA, you tit! He doesn't give two sts about your BENEFIT! He's pure damn evil and if he wants to murder the Loch Ness Monster, he's going to go ahead and hire a gang of Bigfoot to do it!'

With that, O'Cane stormed away into the fog, returning once more to his quixotic quest to hunt down Nessie's elusive murderer.

(Editor's note: As of this writing, the murder of Nessie remains unsolved. Campbell O'Cane remains adamant that Dracula and his Bigfoot commandos are responsible, but as of yet, no means, motive or evidence has yet been located.)

(this is an April Fools article)

Last modified on Wednesday, 26 March 2014 12:00

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